Coffee and opulence, a lifelong persuit of the finer things in life

Since this is my first post regarding coffee I should explain 3 things, things not directly related to coffee but which apply to coffee in regards to to my world view.

1. When purchasing anything, what you get correlates directly to what you pay for it.
There is a reason why a  Maybach 62S cost approximately half a million dollars,  it comes with a rear refrigerator, sterling silver champagne flutes, and leather made out of endangered bottle-nosed dolphins. Your Maybach purchase takes place at a studio and you deal exclusively with a relationship manager who attends to your every whim and need, extravagant. A Maybach (the ultra luxury division of Mercedes Benz) is arguably the best automobile in the world, and since it costs  more than my house, I will never own one.

2. Buying anything directly from the person that produces it will increase your enjoyment of it.
I have never met a Guatemalan coffee wrangler (or whatever they call themselves) but the roaster that I purchase my beans from has. If I had the chance to go to the third world country my coffee comes from, only to awkwardly stumble my way through the language barrier, I'm sure I would think it was terrible. That "Fair Trade" logo doesn't imply that the sweaty guy toiling away in the coffee plantation has dental and missing front teeth is one of my hot buttons. Since I plan to NEVER meet a coffee grower in person, I enjoy talking incessantly about how my coffee is locally roasted and "single origin" I may even talk about how "citrusy" and "lush" their Rwandan is. A fun way to feel instantly superior to a hipster is to refer to your coffee as "Glocal" they will feel immediately inferior and ashamed that they didn't use that made up word first.

3. Little luxuries are still luxurious.
I cannot afford a car with a Champagne chiller in between the rear reclining seats or even a Pinarello Dogma 2 with a full Super Record EPS parts group, shamefully my TV is only 720p and I always fly coach. I am unable to afford the most expensive of the the expensive things but, I love to buy the most expensive of the cheap things, I'll explain with a few comparisons below.

Regular Flat screen TV $400 - Most Expensive flat screen TV at Best Buy $4,200

Regular Bottle of wine $21 -expensive bottle of wine $14,395

Regular cup of Coffee $2.00 - Most expensive cup of Coffee I've ever seen on a menu $16.00

You're telling me it will cost three and a half televisions just to get drunk? Fuck you. 

The cost for the most expensive coffee in the world is still less than lunch at Citizens Bank Park (that hot dog probably fell on the floor, yum).

I am more than happy to pay waaaaay too much money for coffee that was eaten, digested, and literally shit out of a Asain Palm Civet  because it is considered to be the best in the world.

Kopi Luwak shown here post shit, and pre-beverage

With that out of the way, here is my review of The Gryphon Cafe's dark roasted Timor.

The Gryphon Cafe in Wayne is my local coffee establishment, I usually only go there 11 times a week so I may not know about all of their roasts.  What I do know is, that about 2 years ago Rich (owner/roaster/ponytail aficionado) poured me a cup of coffee so good I nearly dropped to the floor and wept; this was the dark Timor.

A bad dark roast will be bitter and taste a bit like burnt popcorn, essentially what you are tasting is  charcoal. A bad dark roast is typically accompanied with lots of sugar and milk also called "Caramel Macchiato".  Dark roast coffee is pervasive in America, because the larger roasters use the extra roasting to cover up the mediocre flavor of cheap beans, "it all tastes burnt, great, now ship it off to Starbucks". When you tell most coffee snobs that you like dark roast coffee they will assume that you are an asshole, or can't afford wi-fi at home; so I admit to liking dark roast with some apprehension.

Timor is an island in Indonesia with rich volcanic soil that may have something to do the sweetness and flavor of the beans but, amazing coffee cherries won't make up for a shitty roast.  As best as I can tell Rich has two roasts which he uses on the Timor: "dark" and "fuck yeah! dark".  When the Timor is roasted dark I get a 20oz cup (or as they call it "large"). When the Timor is roasted darker, I get a bag. If beans are roasted properly some of the oils will come to the surface, the sugars will caramelize instead of burn, and the coffee will show you the face of god.
The darker roast adds a strong dark chocolate flavor;  not Hershey garbage, a high cocoa artisan chocolate. The darker roast tastes sweet enough that I happily put in less sugar. I have been drinking coffee for more than a decade and have had drip cups and espressos from roasters around the country and beans from around the world. I own an Aeropress, a french press, a Keurig  and I may even have coffee maker somewhere. I would say that I am a coffee enthusiast and I consider the dark roasted Timor at the Gryphon to be one of the best coffees I have ever had.

This is an actual picture of the actual coffee I drank while writing this

Thanks to all the staff of the Gryphon who put up with my bullshit daily.

Trashtags

#betterthansex #SMMR #GryphonCafeWayne

Don't be shitty, and 3 other life lessons bikes have taught me

1. Riding a bike should be fun. For all the talk about "pain caves" and "sufferfests" sometimes people forget that riding bikes should be fun. There will be no podium girls when you win the group ride, there is no trophy for most miserable asshole. I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't push yourself, or that riding shouldn't be hard sometimes but, if you aren't having fun: just get off your bike, set it on fire and never look back.

2. You can't fix everything. No matter how hard you try, some things can't be fixed. Some bikes are beyond repair no matter how hard you try, no matter how much money you spend. Some people won't change, no matter how much time and effort you put in. Whether it's bikes, people, or situations, sometimes you have to wipe away the dirt, blood and tears and start over; decide what is the best course of action tomorrow and move on.

3. Being a cyclist is a lifestyle, not a Rock' n' Roll lifestyle. Spandex pants aren't hip, you will not be recruited onto Van Halen, shredding downhill doesn't doesn't make you a rock star, no matter how hard you "pinned it brah". You may seem to cool to other cyclists but, that is like being the hottest girl in Minnesota, outside of your little pond no one cares.  If you are trying to live fast and die young, I suggest you get working on the dieing part because, your "fast livin'" is getting in the way of my day to day operations.

All my heros are DEAD

It's barely half way through January, the shittiest time of the year, unless you are an accountant or divorce lawyer.  Every day between new years day and Valentines day is a constant reminder that you are fatter than you want to be, trudging closer to death, one bleak winter day at a time and -oh yeah- nobody loves you; enjoy your tiramisu for one.  Winter is a particularly awful time of year for the bicycle industry, with the new model year (and subsequent product releases) happening in late summer there is little to excited about until the start of spring classics.

With so little to talk about of real substance I find myself begrudgingly drawn into conversations about Lance Armstrong. I've been asked if I was doping by the cashier at the hardware store, I've had people ask for discounts on Lance emblazoned packages of honey stinger waffles and I have had to ignore countless facebook posts.  At the risk of losing street cred I have a shameful confession: I got "into cycling" in 2008, I have no long storied history of mid nineties glory days. I never watched Lance "win" those seven tours, I never yelled "USA, USA" at the spandex wearing, doped-up supermen of the US Postal team, I don't have the history to feel lied-to about and slighted by. When it comes to Lance Armstrong's guilt, I simply don't care.

The main reason that Lance is a prick is that he didn't give a shit about curing cancer before he was affected by it, he even goes so far as to call it "...the best thing that ever happened to me," [directly from his fuckin' BIO ON HIS WEBSITE!!!].  Lancearmstrong.com doesn't seem to have been updated since October 17th when Lance stepped down from his ivory tower at livestrong and decided to let cancer win. Cancer didn't hurt Lance, cancer MADE Lance.

This is how I imagine the realization of cancer came to Lance.

 

Lance: I'm so perfect, I'm definitely pulling off this hair style, nothing will ever go wrong for me. Someday I'll marry a famous rock star.

 Doctor: Lance, I'm afraid you have cancer

 

 Lance: Whaaaaaa?!?!?

 

 Doctor: It appears to be in your testicles. Luckily you're rich so you can afford the very best experimental treatments.

Lance: I totally care so much about cancer now, I think I will start "the Lance Armstrong Foundation" for the entire cancer community, not just some self-important douche on a bike.

Doctor: I have even worse news Lance, the rock star you get married to is Sheryl Crow.

American TV is stupid, except Stephen Colbert (that dude is HILARIOUS!)
What really needs to happen for the (united states) cycling world to have closure is not a 3 hour interview wherein Lance admits guilt; what we need, is more bike racing on regular TV. I am tired of paying extra to get obscure cable channels that only play race highlights if hockey isn't on. I'm tired of watching grainy internet streaming video that always seems to buffer when there is an attack in the alps. I'm tired of pro cycling being treated like soccer.The best way for Americans to get over a fallen hero is to get a new hero, the best way to find a new hero is to never leave the couch and just watch TV.
Here are a few recommendations for replacement heroes

1. Fabian Cancellara
Multiple stage winner who has embarrassed many a strong man on the cobbles. Fabian is morbidly obese by pro cycling standards which might make him more palatable to the American public. Fabian is sexy and has swagger for days, is that a cashmere scarf at a press conference? Fuck yeah it is!

That scarf is covering up all the hickies your mom just gave him

2. Ryder Hesjedal
Winner of the 2012 Giro. Ryder joined team Discovery Channel the same year Lance left. Shortly before leaving the team, Lance allegedly lost a dick measuring contest to Hesjedal and was forced to kiss George Hincapie on the mouth. Less handsome than Fabian and unquestionably Canadian, Ryder may not be the perfect Lance substitute, but at least he speaks north American so he's close.

Ryder shown here with two stuffed wolves he may have killed barehanded

3. Mark Simon Cavendish
"Mark Cavendish is the best bike rider in the world" [source: M. Cavendish]. With 36 Stage wins under is belt Mark has enough victories under his belt to be a conceited ass, a personality trait most closely resembling Armstrong.  In 2011 Mark was appointed a Member of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire and has been attacking other sprinters with broadswords ever since, which is pretty cool.

Full penetration or Fizik Saddle? Same face either way.

I look forward to cheering on these men (along with a dozen or so other cyclists with barely pronounceable eastern european names) this summer on NBC Eurosport-Universal 2 . Now go read about the Tour Down Under, *** UPDATED***or watch it on NBC sports (for coverage shorter than a cat-fart) from 3:30-4:00

Fatbikes, a conclusion

 Fatbikes + not being an uber competitive douche = AWESOME!

I have 3 rides on my Surly Pugsley, I have ridden mostly fast, cross country terrain with minimal climbing.  The places I took the pugsley on trails I knew and used Strava to get a good comparison of relative speed compared to my normal ride. It isn't exactly a fair fight since the pug has 9 gears and my other bike is a single speed 29er but, with a 10 pound weight difference I had to even the playing field a little.  I have been riding a single speed mountain bike exclusively for more than a year and a half so have 8 extra speeds was mind blowing.

I prefer to call  gears by their original name circa 1906, "CHEATING"

How fatty handled out on the trail

On a 3/4 mile segment with several log-overs and only 50 feet of climbing, the pug was only slower than my fastest time by 8 seconds. Not surprisingly the pug was super smooth going over bumps smaller than 8 inches. I was impressed by how capable this full rigid 26 inch bike takes itself over much taller obstacles. For a 32.5 pound bike i found it to be quite nimble when it came to clearing logs.
The only place where the fatbike felt sluggish was on a long, smooth, 3.7% uphill.  Straight away trails leave your mind little else but time to focus on the squish.

I would publish my Strava segment as proof of my negligible decrease in speed but, due to a legal battle where I was falsely accused of killing an Asian guy in the bay area I will have to substitute with a non-Strava approved map.

I was riding in the lower right side of the diagonal stripes

Who should get a fatbike?

1. People who don't give a fuck or PWDGAF. Not giving a fuck gives you a big advantage when building, buying or riding a fatbike since people with significantly lighter bikes will call your new princess stupid, and obese. PWDGAF don't usually race or act like hyper competitive dicks, so owning a slightly slower bike is of little consequence. PWDGAF have also heard people say "you're a 30 year old man, why do you spend so much time on a bicycle?" and shrugged it off, so riding an heavy, weirdo bike is no big deal.

2. Attention whores. Attention whores love getting open-ended questions so that they have an opportunity to really talk about themselves, really. I have owned the pugsley for less than 2 weeks and I have had strangers ask to take pictures of my bike, people in cars honk and wave, and countless other riders grill me about specifics.  Every other bike person will pick up your fatbike and say, "hmm not too bad," inspect the tires and say "what size are those" and so many more openings to talk about YOU!  Don't you get it attention whores? No one has asked about your Zipp 303 Firecrest wheels for almost 14 months. Since the fatbike (trend/fad) is still relatively new it will give you the opportunity to talk incessantly about yourself for the next 18 months at least.

3. Triathletes. Great way to cross-train bro, and chances are you are already an attention whore too, bonus.

4. "Steel-is-real" Hipster douchebags. This last group will buy anything pseudo obscure and pretend it is cool for a season and then, complain that it "got too corporate" when they realize it is too hard. Hipsters also love to talk about themselves but, will probably only get about half the mileage that attention whores will get out of owning a fatbike since, eventually one of their friends will realize the bike is made in Taiwan.

I used to have an organic free range alpaca farm but, that shit got too corporate. -Filthy Portland Hipster

With more manufacturers coming out with Fatbikes every year it won't be long until they are more commonplace, there is even a rumor that Kona has a Fatty in the works for 2014.  

 All things considered I am very happy with my Pugsley purchase, and I look forward many more slow, obscure, amazingly fun rides on it.

Project Fatbike halfway there

A year ago I told someone that fatbikes were a heavy, stupid, waste of time, I may have even called my friend " a real asshole" for wanting one.  Now in 2012 I realize that fatbikes are a heavy, stupid, waste of time; and that is exactly why I wanted one. 

Over the past few weeks I have been building a Surly Pugsley. The Pugsley was the first mass produced fatbike in 2005 and to this day remains a pretty rad option for finding your own trails. The process of building a fatbike with it's weird offset frame spacing and piggish 100 millimeter downhill bottom bracket has taught me a few things: #1 I have a very resilient face and #2 being a weight weenie puts you in the 30 pound range for a fatbike, which is obscenely heavy for any other bike.

When you deal carbon, titanium or cocaine you measure in grams; with fatbikes you measure in pounds.

Fatbikes were originally made for riding bikes in the Alaskan winter -which typically lasts 49 weeks- and have up to 4.7 inch tires to give the best float and traction in snow and sand. A fatbike sitting next to any other bicycle looks oafish and clunky almost like a monster truck.  As of December 30th the Philadelphia metro area has had a total of 4 inches of snow making my fatbike purchase a (potential) colossal waste of what could have been a very nice carbon wheelset for my 29er. With any luck it will just dump snow this year and I will be loving life on my 26x4.0 45NRTH Escalators

a fatbike in it's natural element

TO BE CONTINUED

Merry Hanukkah, it's time to get drunk.

Well, it's December again, the time of year when people grumble about where the year went as if they weren't awake for it, and complain about cookies like they haven't been fat for the last eleven and a half months.  As I approach this holiday season with it's thirty degree days and holiday parties I am reminded that there are 2 types of people in the world: people who are good at drinking, and those who are not.

If you are 21 years old and drink 14 Bud Lights with your college buddies, you are not good at drinking, you are an asshole.   If you put ice in wine for ANY reason - I don't care what box it came out of - you are bad at drinking.  If you don't drink, and chose to say loudly "I DON'T DRINK" when someone offers you an alcoholic beverage instead of "no thank you" it is a sure sign that you are bad at drinking and possibly life itself. If you are bad at drinking, please turn off your internet device and go fuck yourself.

Then there are the folks who are good at drinking.  If you choose your beer based on what kind of hops are in it, and know what IBU means, you may be a pretentious hipster, and also good at drinking.  If you use the proper stemware for the type of wine you are drinking and don't fill it up all the way to the rim, you may be good at drinking. If your booze comes in a corked glass bottle instead of a plastic 1.75L jug it is a great first step towards being a better drinker, good for you. 

The Internet: More Than Just Pornography (or so I'm told)

BEER

If you like strong, fancy beer and you are a bit of a weirdo I would suggest you ingest BrewDog. Brewdog is a UK brewery that calls itself  "a post Punk apocalyptic mother-fucker of a craft brewery." While you can occasionally come across Brewdog IPA at your local whole foods; to get the really rough good stuff you need to order direct from their online shop,

If you are fan of imperial stouts with an extra $121 dollars to spend on a SINGLE 12 oz beer you can't go wrong with 32% Tactical Nuclear Penguin. 32TNP "should be enjoyed in small servings and with an air of aristocratic nonchalance, " classy. 

 

If you are a real lady, with hair on your chest, not afraid to punch a guy in the face and think that beer with less than 40% alcohol is for pansies then, "41% Sink The Bismarck!" is for you.  "Sink the Bismarck is a quadruple IPA that contains four times the hops, four times the bitterness and frozen four times to create at a staggering 41% ABV." If you are feeling particularly festive you can get a combo of both beers at a discounted $161.

It's just too bad that Brewdog no longer has their $760 "The End of History" it was a 55% alcohol ale shoved inside a squirrel carcass.

mmmm, let's make out.

If you prefer your drink vessels a bit fancier, they even had a properly dressed gentleman option.

Good day sir! May I shine your Monocle?

I'll keep my fingers crossed that they will make a beer that gets shoved in that coat wearing Ikea  monkey

WHISKEY/WHISKY

There is way too much to say about whiskey, and the mere fact that there are two accepted spellings is sure sign that no matter what you say about whiskey, you won't be right or wrong.  Going to a state liquor store to buy a good whiskey is like going to a whorehouse to buy a bag of chips, those people don't know the nuances and don't care which you choose.

If you know about whiskey or at least understand that: more money = better booze,  head over to
Hard to find Whisky, an online retailer that specialises in supplying rare and collectable Single Malt Scotch Whisky. The HTFW website "offers several thousand of the most sought after Single Malt Scotch Whisky in the world, along with a huge selection of miniatures and a comprehensive range of Irish Whiskey and other worldwide Whiskies".

For the 8th night of Hanukkah you can pick up the last bottle of Ben Wyvis (silent) - Final Bottling - 1965 37 year old for just shy of $2300, it comes in a wooden locking box.

Another option, (if you really loved me, mom) is Macallan - Rarest Decanter - 1969 42 year old.
"Just 148 of these fantastic packages have been produced, which include an engraved crystal decanter, two crystal nosing glasses and certificates about the whisky, all of which is displayed in a hand crafted wooden box constructed from the staves of the cask itself". I have always wanted to get drunk for the cost of a slightly used Toyota Camry, which is perfect because this booze cost over $19300.

I imagine drinking a whisky this rare is something like eating an endangered Siberian tiger steak while being given multiple orgasms by Mila Kunis.

Since I tend to spend almost all of my expendable income on bicycle components I will probably never buy any of this fancy booze myself,  I will have to settle for being good at drinking Dogfish head 90 minute IPAs.

You don't need a softer seatpost, you need a harder ass

First: there was the Cane Creek Thudbuster, the seat post for people too poor for a full suspension mountain bike but, who still had $200 to spend on unnecessary crap.

Shown here prior to being installed on a 1986 Slingshot mountain bike

With up to 3 inches of travel from the replaceable elastomer the thudbuster seemed like a not too terrible an idea.   The thudbuster existed for years making an assortment of fringe cyclist happy, people put thudbusters on folding bikes, tandems and decade-old steel bikes with Spinergy RevX wheels.
Fast forward to 2012 (the Chinese year of the kickstarter campaign)
What seemed almost palatable coming from cane creek apparently, wasn't good enough for some people.

Enter the Cirrus Body Float suspension seatpost.

Sweet scaffolding Bro

Their aim: provide comfort, reduced lower back and soft tissue trauma, improved cornering and handling ability and suspend the rider and not the bike
Instead of a nearly maintenance free elastomer the Body Float uses springs that can be loaded to your specific riding needs and body weight. Heavier springs can be installed for heavier riders and for more ‘cushion’ while lighter springs are utilized for lighter riders and for a more fine-tuned ride on smoother surfaces. The post has four pivot points for added rigidity.
Looking beyond the testicle numbing, sterility inducing, ass-hatchet that is the Selle Italia Flite saddle the Body Float looks like a garbage sculpture. With handling much like a Softride who could want anything more?

As it turns out the folks over at Cantitoe Road wanted more.
With a design that is less "trampoline" and more, "hey is my saddle clamp broken" Cantitoe Road has designed (but not yet built) the BioFloat.

The BioFloat seatpost uses a clamshell elastomer to trap the saddle rail clamp, completely separating it from the alloy outer clamp. This not only diffuses vibrations and shocks, it provides 360º of “float” for the saddle, letting it truly move with you as you pedal. Oddly, this seems like the least likely to fail so I'm sure it will never come to market.

Meanwhile in France -a country considered to fairly effeminate even by European standards- this is how they prepare for a bike ride:

This 28 year old woman is field testing Pinarello's the newest UCI Approved seat post

So instead of buying a new seatpost, get on your trainer and watch reruns of Paris Roubaix

"I wish I had a suspension seatpost" said Greg Lemond never.