Sunday, December 18, 2016

Change is hard and so am I

The Internet is a sore subject for US bike shops, look in any bike industry online forum and the complaints are the same:
"Competitive cyclist is killing my margin"
"Probikekit.com is selling Shimano for less than wholesale cost"
"Jeff Bezos just had sex with my girlfriend"
It would seem that the Internet is only really good for getting a sweet deal or bitching about customers going elsewhere for sweet deals, something has to change.
Change is scary, just ask the CEO of Circuit City

If you are an bike industry lifer, chances are you don't want to change. "Why should I change, I'm perfect!" If you really were perfect you wouldn't be worried about the Internet and would have stopped reading after the Bezos joke, since you are still here I'll let you in on a secret:

The industry doesn't care about you, the industry cares about profit.

Since we are being honest with each other let's admit that you don't really care about the bike industry either, you ALSO care about profit. You don't don't actually care if big bike companies go under or other bike shops fail.  Bike retailers are reliant on manufacturers determining and enforcing prices desperately hoping that MAP + Installation fees will put food on the table. It is easy to focus on the microcosm of staying afloat but what needs to happen is evolution not mere survival.
Change is Scary just ask any former manager from Borders Book Store


Your bike shop is competing with the Internet but, your bike producer is competing with the Internet too and you should be prepared for a change.  Canyon Bicycles are coming to the US market in 2017 and they cost the end consumer less than any other major brand by eliminating the storefront. Trek, Specialized, Cannondale and Giant will need to fight back by lowering MSRP while maintaining wholesale cost, killing your margin. Be prepared for ALL 4 major bike brands to implement online sales in the next three years. While you're at it, be prepared for customers to be able to buy anything online in less than a decade. 

How can bike shops compete with Amazon? Start by Price matching.

PRICE MATCH AMAZON?!?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

 Amazon assembly service charges $150 for the same Raleigh single speed cruiser that you can get pre-assembled in a bike shop. Amazon assembly is often performed by untrained assholes more adept at setting up Frigidaire than front derailleur. Amazon won't even inflate your damn tires! Inflating bicycle tires is not included in this service. Some pros may be able to inflate tires for an additional fee.  If bike shops began charging for bike assembly  then the shop owners can control pricing instead of the manufacturer, you could even inflate tires for free, because you are such a nice guy. Professional assembly is required by each of the big 4 manufacturers but the dealer agreement can be changed at any time and shops should be prepared. Start the new year by adding $150 build fee to each bike sold then, give a $150 discount, it's the same price you are charging now but, by giving the labor a monetary value you can more easily transition to a business model that charges for builds in the future.
An average shop builds between 400 and 800 bikes a year; consider the margin if you added $150 of labor to each of those bikes, what would an extra 60k-120k of cash do to your net profit?

Of course you can't price match everything on the Internet.  An article about Bike-tube.net selling  tubes for $4.29 caused minor uproar among industry folk and, Amazon sells 10 packs of tubes for $35 with free Prime shipping, that's darn near wholesale! Even Performance Bike sells tubes for approximately 5.25 apiece when you buy 4. People can buy tubes online or even down the street for less and, finding tubes for 70% less than your price makes you look like you are price gouging, regardless of MSRP. Stop fighting your way to the bottom of the tube price war, change.
Change is scary just ask anyone who ever worked at Blockbuster Video.

Stop selling tubes, start selling flat repair.


Sell flat repair for $30 with a 30 day guarantee and no mention of the tube pricing. Some people may get a few extra tubes out of you but, most people aren't trying to scam you and don't want to be bothered with return trips to the shop, they just want piece of mind. This guarantee goes both ways, it guarantees that customers will come back if something is wrong. If you miss a thorn while fixing a flat your customer will be upset that the flat you just fixed is flat again, if you are lucky that upset customer will come back and you will fix it again (for free), if you aren't lucky, they will go to another shop down the street.

I am basing flat repair pricing on my Fiance's perception of value. My fiance is a brilliant law student, she shops online for sales and even has an app called Honey that searches for discounts codes on ANY website when you get to the payment screen, but she is not a bike industry person. When asked how much she would pay for a flat repair her answer is "I dunno, fifty bucks?". She reminds me that most of our customers are NOT industry people or even people that have any preconceived notions of what things should cost.

Your customers may never understand the difference between a $400 bike and a $300 bike with a $100 build fee but, our focus should be on keeping them engaged in the bike shop experience not trying to fight the way they want to shop, or the multi-billion dollar companies that don't really care about you. The time to change is now. 
Change is Scary just ask the dinosaurs.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Dear CDC and GOP: Go fuck yourself

  Congress thinks you're so pretty when you don't talk

The Center for Disease Control just released a sweet new infographic that is finally telling women what men have been telling women for years:
You're a dirty slut and you probably totally deserve whatever is coming to you.
That's right, if you are a chick who is between the ages of Jailbait and Milf you should cut back on the booze. You shouldn't dress so slutty either, you are just asking for it.

"But, how do I know what is an appropriate amount to drink?"
Great question sweetheart, here, I made you a list.
  • The right amount of alcohol for any woman under 21: ZERO
  • The right amount of alcohol for a woman who is pregnant or might get pregnant: FUCKING ZERO
  • The right amount of alcohol for any woman who doesn't want to be RAPED and get STD's:

ABSOLUTELY FUCKING ZERO!!! 

  • The right amount of alcohol for a woman who doesn't have a sexual partner but is taking hormonal birth control just in case, and you have condoms in your purse that you bought from the creepy old pharmacist who gave you dirty looks when you bought them, and you've carefully weighed your risk for cancer and heart disease: NOT MORE THAN ONE DRINK A DAY.
"Who the fuck do these people think they are"
Settle down, I'll tell you who. They are the U.S. Department of Agriculture and the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services and they only want what is best for you. These are probably science-men who know a lot more than you do, probably. These alleged science-men say alcohol effects women more than men because women are tiny and filled with less water than a man, that's fuckin' adorable.
These science-men know how hard it can be to control your lady emotions which is why you shouldn't drink so much.

Now lets assume you are a filthy sorority girl who is shotgunning your way right up to the 4 drinks in 3 hours threshold, aside from spending much of your evening crying about old boyfriends who are dating your best friend you will most certainly get pregnant, and what will likely happen to your interracial shame baby?
According to the chart you can look forward to (among other things):
  • damage to parts of the brain.
Which leads to...
Behavioral and intellectual disabilities
  • learning disabilities and low IQ
  • hyperactivity
  • difficulty with attention
  • poor ability to communicate in social situations
  • poor reasoning and judgment skills
 Oh no, your shame baby (or #Shaby) is gonna be retarded AND have ADHD? Well that's no so bad, those people still manage to lead pretty good lives most of the time, but wait...

These can lead to...
Lifelong issues with
  • school and social skills
  • living independently 
  • mental health
  • substance use
  • keeping a job
  • trouble with the law
OH NO! your little retard will be a crack addict too? Yep, enjoy the next 12 years spoon feeding him generic baby food before you ship him off to the state penitentiary at the ripe age of 13. Damn, looks like you fucked up your whole life you little tramp, all because you had to have a fifth wine cooler.

"Wait, I know I messed up and I feel terrible about it, I'm clearly an awful person, but can't I just have an abortion? I don't really want to have an abortion but I definitely can't have an Autistic crack dealing 11 year-old. I know an abortion clinic where the people outside only spit on you as you walk in the door instead of throwing rocks, I'll go there."
Caption text here
Hope she has tissues in the car


 Hold that thought princess, did you get your 24-Hour Consent Confirmation page signed?
Has it been at least 48 hours since you used street drugs? (really?) and 12 hours since you ate or smoked anything?
Did you bring an escort to take you home and did you bring sanitary pads so you don't bleed all over your friends car?
Are you super sure you haven't used street drugs in 48 hours?
Did you bring your credit card, because there is a 40% chance that your insurance doesn't cover the cost of abortions
Good. Now lets spread you like a turkey and shove cold metal in your vagina to determine length of pregnancy all while you try desperately to avoid eye contact with anyone.

You better be more careful next time because there is a chance that there won't be a next time. The same government that's looking out for your water deficient body is also working pretty hard to tell you what you can't do with it in other ways.

"They can't really do that though, right?"
Squinty-eyed sack of crap Ted Cruz said in November of 2015 that "Congress could “absolutely” criminalize all abortion by passing a law giving 14th Amendment protections to fetuses and zygotes, thus bypassing a constitutional amendment overturning Roe v. Wade.
Ted Cruz looks like the type of guy that desperately NEEDS women to be a little tipsy before he gets laid; in fact Teddy "Bear" Cruz looks like a serial date rapist in a slightly nicer suit.
Ted Cruz seems like he would nickname his penis the "Cruz Missile"
Ted Cruz literally used to creep out female students at Princeton by donning a paisley bathrobe and walking to the opposite end of their dorm’s hallway where the female students live.
Do you want to see my spicy side?
Marco Rubio on the other hand, he's a panty-dropper, as far a Republicans go he's a solid 9 out of 10 too bad he is also pro-life.
In fact EVERYsingle GOP candidate is also pro-life, even the chick!