Thursday, February 4, 2016

Dear CDC and GOP: Go fuck yourself

  Congress thinks you're so pretty when you don't talk

The Center for Disease Control just released a sweet new infographic that is finally telling women what men have been telling women for years:
You're a dirty slut and you probably totally deserve whatever is coming to you.
That's right, if you are a chick who is between the ages of Jailbait and Milf you should cut back on the booze. You shouldn't dress so slutty either, you are just asking for it.

"But, how do I know what is an appropriate amount to drink?"
Great question sweetheart, here, I made you a list.
  • The right amount of alcohol for any woman under 21: ZERO
  • The right amount of alcohol for a woman who is pregnant or might get pregnant: FUCKING ZERO
  • The right amount of alcohol for any woman who doesn't want to be RAPED and get STD's:


  • The right amount of alcohol for a woman who doesn't have a sexual partner but is taking hormonal birth control just in case, and you have condoms in your purse that you bought from the creepy old pharmacist who gave you dirty looks when you bought them, and you've carefully weighed your risk for cancer and heart disease: NOT MORE THAN ONE DRINK A DAY.
"Who the fuck do these people think they are"
Settle down, I'll tell you who. They are the U.S. Department of Agriculture and the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services and they only want what is best for you. These are probably science-men who know a lot more than you do, probably. These alleged science-men say alcohol effects women more than men because women are tiny and filled with less water than a man, that's fuckin' adorable.
These science-men know how hard it can be to control your lady emotions which is why you shouldn't drink so much.

Now lets assume you are a filthy sorority girl who is shotgunning your way right up to the 4 drinks in 3 hours threshold, aside from spending much of your evening crying about old boyfriends who are dating your best friend you will most certainly get pregnant, and what will likely happen to your interracial shame baby?
According to the chart you can look forward to (among other things):
  • damage to parts of the brain.
Which leads to...
Behavioral and intellectual disabilities
  • learning disabilities and low IQ
  • hyperactivity
  • difficulty with attention
  • poor ability to communicate in social situations
  • poor reasoning and judgment skills
 Oh no, your shame baby (or #Shaby) is gonna be retarded AND have ADHD? Well that's no so bad, those people still manage to lead pretty good lives most of the time, but wait...

These can lead to...
Lifelong issues with
  • school and social skills
  • living independently 
  • mental health
  • substance use
  • keeping a job
  • trouble with the law
OH NO! your little retard will be a crack addict too? Yep, enjoy the next 12 years spoon feeding him generic baby food before you ship him off to the state penitentiary at the ripe age of 13. Damn, looks like you fucked up your whole life you little tramp, all because you had to have a fifth wine cooler.

"Wait, I know I messed up and I feel terrible about it, I'm clearly an awful person, but can't I just have an abortion? I don't really want to have an abortion but I definitely can't have an Autistic crack dealing 11 year-old. I know an abortion clinic where the people outside only spit on you as you walk in the door instead of throwing rocks, I'll go there."
Caption text here
Hope she has tissues in the car

 Hold that thought princess, did you get your 24-Hour Consent Confirmation page signed?
Has it been at least 48 hours since you used street drugs? (really?) and 12 hours since you ate or smoked anything?
Did you bring an escort to take you home and did you bring sanitary pads so you don't bleed all over your friends car?
Are you super sure you haven't used street drugs in 48 hours?
Did you bring your credit card, because there is a 40% chance that your insurance doesn't cover the cost of abortions
Good. Now lets spread you like a turkey and shove cold metal in your vagina to determine length of pregnancy all while you try desperately to avoid eye contact with anyone.

You better be more careful next time because there is a chance that there won't be a next time. The same government that's looking out for your water deficient body is also working pretty hard to tell you what you can't do with it in other ways.

"They can't really do that though, right?"
Squinty-eyed sack of crap Ted Cruz said in November of 2015 that "Congress could “absolutely” criminalize all abortion by passing a law giving 14th Amendment protections to fetuses and zygotes, thus bypassing a constitutional amendment overturning Roe v. Wade.
Ted Cruz looks like the type of guy that desperately NEEDS women to be a little tipsy before he gets laid; in fact Teddy "Bear" Cruz looks like a serial date rapist in a slightly nicer suit.
Ted Cruz seems like he would nickname his penis the "Cruz Missile"
Ted Cruz literally used to creep out female students at Princeton by donning a paisley bathrobe and walking to the opposite end of their dorm’s hallway where the female students live.
Do you want to see my spicy side?
Marco Rubio on the other hand, he's a panty-dropper, as far a Republicans go he's a solid 9 out of 10 too bad he is also pro-life.
In fact EVERYsingle GOP candidate is also pro-life, even the chick!

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