Sugar: The Original Performance Enhancing Drug

There are people that will tell you that refined, white -ethnically cleansed- cane sugar is poison and you shouldn't eat any. These same sugar-hating fun police will think nothing of losing toenails because they just ran an ultra marathon. I have even been told that "cane sugar is addictive". ADDICTIVE? REALLY??? I've never sucked a dick in an alley near 12th & Walnut for sugar cubes.
Face it, sugar is a miracle of nature and the fact that we can harvest these granulated joy-crystals is proof that (insert deity) wants humans to be happy.

I enjoy sugar but I will admit that I wish things were less sweet. We need to eat sugar in moderation and not just replace it with chemicals that trick our brains into thinking we had sugar.  Artificial sweeteners replace real sugar with what I'm pretty sure is poison and somehow makes stuff more sweet?! FUCK THAT. I'm willing to trade a bucketful of cancerous lab rats for a soda that contains 30% less sugar.  A 30% reduction in sugar would bring a Red Bull down to 18grams per can.  The 65 grams of sugar in a 20oz Coca-Cola literally weigh more than the skewers in my road bike!!! A 30% decrease in that 20oz bottle would still be 45.5 grams (1 1/2 ounce) of sugar which would still be considered a fuckload by the sugar haters and yet still not enough for most 'Muricans.

It is with the dual position of both loving sweet things and wanting more moderation that I review (and state my love) of KIND bars "Dark chocolate and sea salt" and Madagascar vanilla almond".
Kind bars can be found lots of places but the best selection is in your local Whole Foods Market. You will likely need help finding the KIND bars since Whole Foods carries about 1276 different food-type bars scattered throughout the store. this makes finding KIND bars similar to an organic, grass-fed, easter egg hunt led by an emaciated vegan. Once you have been led to the KIND bar section be sure to ask the vegan which bars are low sugar (he'll know exactly which ones). After your vegan has helped you select the lowest sugar and most plant-based KIND bar he will likely try to sell you a bunch of kale and a Vitamix blender, this is normal, just back away slowly.

My actual emaciated, Whole Foods vegan, Matt*

 The first thing you will notice while standing in line is that KIND bars actually look like things you would eat. Is that an almond in there? Fuck yeah it is! Many protein-food-meal-type bars look like they were extruded from a robot asshole, not KIND bars, they actually resemble food! 

Sure they look like food, how do they taste? Madagascar Vanilla has 4g of sugar, it tastes nutty and mildly sweet, the flavor is subtle and delicious. With only 4 grams of sugar it's a very low sugar snack assuming you don't immediately give in to the urge to shove 5 bars down your food-hole. Low sugar is no excuse to be a disgusting pig-man and it certainly doesn't mean low calorie, you still need self control and moderation, fatty.

Whoever came up with combination of dark chocolate and coarse sea salt should spend the rest of his life being carried on a golden throne and fellated by Mila Kunis. The nice folks over at KIND surely agreed with me when they decided to make the Dark Chocolate Nuts and Sea Salt bar. The DCNaSS has a mere 5g of sugar; how the fuck does this only contain 5 grams of sugar? This bar is off the chain! If I had to choose to save a bag of these bars or a bag of Puppies from sinking in a river I would end up with a full tummy and an empty sack. To quote "Flamin" Moe Szyslak "it's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited" I tried DCNaSS flavor with apprehension because I thought it may be too sweet, boy was I wrong, like a monkey petting a kitty, it's just right.

Dark nuts? Yes please!

Could I eat these 2 flavors every day? Maybe I would eventually get bored, just like I'll eventually get bored of XBOX, beer and hand jobs, maybe. So what happens when I do get bored of my two flavors? I recently spoke to a KIND Bar sales rep (let's call him Chad since I forgot his name) and Chaz told me that there are four new low sugar flavors coming out in 2014, Thanks Chet! 

KIND bars: taste phenomenal, low sugar, gluten free (if you give a shit) and it's made with ingredients you can pronounce; eat them and be judgmental about other people's food choices!

*Matt enjoys a plant based diet, riding bicycles faster than me, and multi-hour tantric sex sessions.

Trashtags and Hashtags
#KINDAWESOME #SMMR #SERIOUSLYFUCKINGFUNNY

Dear bike shops, cut the shit.

Dear shops with berber carpet and "bike shop bathrooms".
It's time to cut the shit and start growing up. Almost every shop I go into is thoroughly unimpressive. I go into a lot of shops too, big  chain shops, independent shops and boutique-y douche bag shops, I go into shops that have employees that are "too good" to make eye contact. I make it a point to go into different shops -always announcing my presence- and look down upon my industry peers. Almost every shop follows the same bullshit pattern.  Lazy merchandising with as much shit crammed per square inch as possible, while letting halo product like $11,000 Project-S-Black-California dictate the overall impression your shop makes. Typically the shops are staffed by a few knowledgeable people and a bunch of total clowns. Guess what? You can sell S-Works and PinaGucci but your sales floor still looks like spandex diarrhea. 

I've left shops thinking to myself: "what a crap-hole, I've kept captives in nicer places" then proceeded to go home and feed my detainees dog food, Purina dog food.
So who cares? I'm just some asshole on the internet that pissed off Cervëlo. You care Mr bike shop owner. If you have ever even once price matched ANYTHING  to the nashbars or had one customer bring in a 90% assembled bike in a box, YOU BETTER FUCKING CARE. In the 90s when internet porn was still dialing up at 28.8 kbps and Ross was still bangin' Rachel, shops could be grungy holes where so-called "master" mechanics could build your wheels in solitude, that doesn't cut it anymore. It's 2014 (model year) and you can stream coaching sessions directly to your power device in the comfort of your home. You can buy parts from China at damn near dealer cost and watch a YouTube video showing you how to install it. You can even download an app that will tell you how to fit your bike. (Side note: internet bike fits DIRECTLY cause erectile dysfunction.)  Did the internet kill bike shops? Yeah, the internet killed off more than 1000 really shitty bike shops nationally between 2008 and 2012 and, it threatens to kill the remaining 4000+ shops too if you don't cut the shit and be better.


Don't try and be the best bike shop either, that's like being the best Cincinnati sports team; climb a bigger mountain.Look for inspiration at successful companies that don't sell bikes. I went into Lululemon to check out their merchandising and, cute girls in tight pants. After my rager went to a half-chub I also went to Anthropologie. The first thing I noticed in both places is that they SMELLED good, not like tires or body odor. The second thing I noticed was the merchandising was nothing like bike shops. Both Lulu and Anthropologie  have stacks of things, which means you see a thing on a size 2 mannequin and think "that's what I want to look like" then pick up the folded pants that correspond to your actual ass size, brilliant! As a matter of fact I went to lots of stores with stacks of things and, EVERY one was staffed with employees that made eye contact.
So basically if bike shops are going to survive you need to stop acting like bike shops for "bikers" and start providing concierge service to everyone.  If you want your bike shop to keep on existing do simple things like: opening the damn door when someone is walking up to the shop with a bike, taking a heavy box out to the car for the double-amputee single moms or even, just acknowledging my existence when I come in and start flipping shifters on $10,000 bikes. You don't have anything better to do, I don't give a shit if you are eating lunch and I assure you that my credit card is as good here as it is in the bike shop a mile down the road.
The easiest way to get into the habit of not being a total prick to the people that are keeping food on your table is to just pretend they are all your grandmother, "oh let me get that for you grandma, you shouldn't be carrying that" or "let me explain how all these buttons work, this technology is fairly complex". Don't fall back on"The internet won't fix your bike" mentality either, it only means that when your customers go to ANOTHER BIKE SHOP you have no one to blame but yourself because you didn't merchandise better, you didn't sell better and you smelled like a bus station bathroom.

I don't have a good end to this rant so I'll end with a picture of a kitty instead

An Apology to Canadians and other sensitive minorities.

I received a lot of heat after some comments I made in several blog posts recently. In response I have made a few changes to this blog, further removing these writings from my personal life. Additionally, I would like to issue a public apology to all offended parties.

I'M SORRY YOU WERE OFFENDED BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T GET THE JOKE. I'm sorry that your internet safe search did not filter out "moustache ride" as too offensive, which it is. I'm sorry that you confused a blog called sunday morning moustache ride for The New Yorker.  I am sorry that you found references to "your mother" under "reasons why I have a glass coffee table" too repugnant. I am sorry if you felt references to your country of origin or lifestyle choices crossed the line.  In short, I'm sorry that you took me seriously.

My blog is not designed to single out and ridicule any one group or person, instead I have chosen to joke about everyone.  The ONLY exception is Mike Sinyard, I will not make any jokes about Mike because, I'm pretty sure he is a Sith Lord and could kill me with his mind.

 

You shall spend the rest of your days working in a Performance Bike, yesss.

I am thrilled that my writing has elicited such a strong response. Until recently I was unaware of the power that my words could have. I was unaware of the reach that my tiny blog could have (Czech Republic? Really?). I never grew up wanting to be a writer, or an asshole, but now I'm BOTH! Someday I may turn these words into paychecks, but I doubt it, I still don't want to be a writer when I grow up, I'm just too good at being an asshole to stop.

So please accept this sincere apology (or don't) and go ride your bike.

Make your big fat head faster

I'm not blind, I have seen the huge influx of aero helmets into the peloton. In 2013 we have seen some of the best riders in the sport of cycling (not exactly winning) with flashy new aerodynamic helmets. Tom Boonen,Tyler Farrar, and most of Orica Green Edge as well as several other prominent riders are all crushing it with aero lids.

SARCASM SIDEBAR: Cavendish did actually take the win on day 2 of Three Days of De Panne

Cav explains that he is ready to fist Sagan, while Andre Greipel's helmet is just not aero enough

If you are anything like me you see this new trend as a welcome change. I have the aero road bike, I have the 808 tubulars glued up with the 21c dimpled tires, I even wear my camelbak on my chest under my jersey on every ride. I am using Rock 'n' Roll Gold lube exclusively after seeing the friction facts test results. (I have worked all the yaw angles in my basement wind tunnel and I am sick and tired of having to work harder simply to overcome the watts lost to my comically over-sized face. It's gotten so bad that I have even started to actually train most some of the winter, to try and get faster. 
BUT I WANT IT NOW
Thanks to a new UCI rule, all equipment used by pro riders has to be available to consumers within nine months of it's premier. NINE MONTHS? That's bullshit, I have Tuesday night group rides to win starting in less than one month.  Riding my bike seems like the worst way to get faster on my bike and really, who has the time? As an American I feel that I should be able to buy some watts RIGHT NOW. I may have forgotten all about aero helmets in less than nine months so I have enlisted the help of my babysitter and aerodynamics engineer Chad to build me an aero helmet for use immediately.

Chad hard at work in my basement wind tunnel

If I still can't win with Chad's AeRoad™ helmet I will probably just start doping; I'm pretty sure they aren't pee testing the CAT 5's at my local crit. My only real fear about doping is that the new injections may react negatively with my current drug regimen, which increases my testicle size and makes my bike rides look like this:

Shiny snake-face smells like purple, take these Gu Chomps out of my nostril.

Review of New Cervelo R5 California press release

Originally published March of 2013
I removed this post because My Cervelo rep almost  got me fired because "the upper management wasn't happy" about my blog but, now I am no longer associated with Cervelo so I am putting it back up along with the apology that I never posted.


Almost 6 months ago
I was riding bikes with the Cervelo sales manager for the Eastern half of North America and he said "we are working on a new R5 California, it's gonna be awesome" when I tried to get a little bit more info, all I got was a snide comment about how Trek thinks their new Madone is so aero.  Considering the $10,000 price tag of an R5ca I was interested to see the new tech but not likely to sell one so, R5ca went to the waaaay back of my mind.

FAST FORWARD
In the past few days I have gotten several interesting emails from Cervelo, not me personally, they don't know or give a shit about my blog.  The first was letting me know that Phil White was getting a second job (times are tough all over) as the Innovation Officer of the Pon Bicycle Group. Phil will be using his extra paycheck for Rogaine -so he doesn't end up looking like Gerard Vroomen- and Poutine, because he's Canadian.

White, checking the Laminar flow of the S5 was heard saying "she's got a real set of balls on her".

The second and more interesting email was one that had details about the supposedly Trek embarrassing R5 California. Included in this email was a warning not to disseminate any contained information until 9am today so Bikerumor tactfully waited until 9:00:07 to blow the lid off the new bike. The Bikerumor.com post is filled with charts and graphs and absolutely no dick jokes, so that makes my post better than theirs.
The new R5 is lighter by 8 grams! BOOOM!
If 8 grams alone does not justify the price: the new R5 gets more aero. According to figure 16 (not  shown here) the new r5 goes from 24 down to 9ish, that's pretty impressive considering that bikerumor.com doesn't qualify those numbers and they could mean ANYTHING! ALSO BOOM! These new squovals will save you ten watts over a normal road bike, which may qualify them as super-squovals.

/

In the sell sheet above Cervelo uses several fun made-up phrases that I will attempt to explain below.

• Future proof: You can use your garbage mechanical shifting now and someday in the future if you can afford bike parts again, your frame can accommodate electronic shifting. Side note; I have a Dremel and will "Future Proof" any other Cervelo for about $200.
• 3M Powerlux Composite (TM): The claim of "inter-laminar shear and compression strength" should mean a frame that you cant tear in half but, you probably weren't going to do that anyway.
• Limited edition Light Transit bag: That's right, buy a $10,000 frame and you get a sweet ass lightly padded, polyester travel bag AND water bottle. Free bag just buying a frame? Thanks Obama! This will also allow douchy bike salesmen to say "buy this $10,000 bag and get a free bike",  I said it first anyone else who says it is infringing on copywrite.

Other notable improvements include internal cable routing to piss off your mechanic, and an internal magnet for your power meter crank, which is actually brilliant.
Indicated in my emails (but not on the internet) there will only be 325 frames made and, presumably only 325 bags.   The new R5 starts shipping in 4 days, unless you want a 51,58, or 61 in which case you are waiting until August.

As a bonus I have included a picture of what Gerard Vroomen sees when he looks in the mirror

"Ziss peecture eez totally unrelateed to ze rest of ziss blog post"

Ed Orcutt responded in less than 18 hours ***Amended***

I was shocked to receive a response to my snarky email, I was even more shocked that Mr Orcutt replied within 15 hours of my original email. What I expected was a pre-fabricated form email written by his secretary. What I actually got was an apology (three of them) and a pretty well thought out response, which more accurately represented his position on the proposed tax. Here is the unedited response from Rep. Orcutt.

***** I have since found out that this is not a unique email sent to me, Rep Orcutt has evidently gotten enough heat for this email that he has an official "apology email" ready to fire off to the pissed off and spandex clad. I suppose that I am glad to be part of a sea of voices calling this guy an ass rather than one voice screaming in vain.****

Isaac,

 

First of all, let me apologize for the carbon emissions line of an e-mail which has caused so much concern within the bicycle community. It was over the top and I admit is not one which should enter into the conversation regarding bicycles.

 

Although I have always recognized that bicycling emits less carbon than cars, I see I did a poor job of indicating that within my e-mail. My point was that by not driving a car, a cyclist was not necessarily having a zero-carbon footprint. In looking back, it was not a point worthy of even mentioning so, again, I apologize – both for bringing it up and for the wording of the e-mail.

 

Second, please understand that I have not proposed, nor do I intend to propose, any tax – and certainly not a carbon tax – on bicyclists. There is little in the Democrat tax proposal that I support. However, the one aspect of the Democrat tax plan that has merit is their proposed $25.00 tax on the purchase of any bicycle $500.00 or more. I am willing to consider this because I’ve heard requests from members of the bicycle community that they want more money for bicycle infrastructure. The idea of bicyclists paying for some of the infrastructure they are using is one which merits consideration.

Since I have heard concerns about doing this via sales tax due to the impact on bicycle shops, I am very willing to work with the bicycle community to determine an appropriate way to enable bicyclists to pay for some of the bicycle-only lanes and overpasses. It is my intent to seek out your advocates in Olympia to see if there are other ways to accomplish this.

Again, I do apologize for the carbon line in the e-mail and any confusion it has created. I look forward to working on reasonable solutions to the problems cyclists are having with infrastructure.

 

Ed

 

Representative Ed Orcutt

20th Legislative District

Olympia Office:

408 John L. O’Brien Building

PO Box 40600

Olympia, WA 98504

* ed.orcutt@leg.wa.gov
( 360.786.7990

Please visit my website!

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Kudos to Representative Orcutt for a quick response.

WA Representative Ed Orcutt is a Moron... Aparently

March 2nd,
Washington State representative Ed Orcutt sent this email regarding the new transportation tax proposal wherein he states that cyclist should pay gas taxes just like motorists because "riding a bike results in greater emissions of carbon dioxide from the rider. Since CO2 is deemed a greenhouse gas and a pollutant, bicyclists are actually polluting when they ride" What the Representative neglects to address is the fact that the increase in heart rate and Co2 production is not limited to cyclists, but is also experienced by runners, rollerbladers and the morbidly obese climbing a set of stairs. Ed also fails to mention blame for this global crisis the fact that water vapor is also considered a greenhouse gas. 
Instead of merely writing a blog about my displeasure with Mr Orcutt's lack of sensibility, I have decided to publish an email that I sent to the Representative.

Subject: Taxes for cyclists

Dear Representative Orcutt,

I recently read an email that you wrote to Robert Tournay claiming that cyclist should be paying taxes for the increased co2 production created while riding a bike.  I hope that your email was written as a joke but, just in case you were serious, I would like to give you my rebuttal

It is abundantly clear that physical exertion leads to increased heart rate and as much as 10x increase in the metabolizing of O2, which results in more co2 production, this is not however limited to cyclist.  I cannot argue your logic backing a tax for cyclist but, the new tax is not complete without including a taxation on several other key groups also sharing our roads and public places.

• People who go to a gym are the "18 wheelers" of personal co2 production, these people usually drive to a gym then, get their heart pumping by using a machine that (in many cases) is using electricity. The use of fossil fuels, electricity and personal O2 metabolizing makes this group the worst offenders.

• Runners typically have a higher exertion level leading to greater amounts of co2produced; additionally running places more strain on the ankles and knees leading to increased medical visits to our already strained healthcare system.

• Obesity only exacerbates the problem of co2 production by humans; someone who is physically fit will produce less co2 while climbing up a set of public stairs than a fat person.  Imposing a fat tax would limit personal co2 emissions and -again- lead to decreased healthcare costs.

 I cannot deny that "I am tired of fatties breathin' up all my air" but that language is seldom passed in government bills, here is my recommended amendment to the proposed transportation bill. If there must be a transportation tax, impose a national 1% sales tax on the vehicle being purchased, a $10,000 car or bicycle would both carry an additional $100 tax. The people that are going to most benefit from the transportation tax would be the people funding it. An extra $30 tax on a $3000 bike is almost negligible and the $250 tax on a $25,000 car could be rolled into the auto loan and would amount to an additional 4.25 a month on 5 year loan (less than a large Starbucks latte).

What I am really bothered by is the lack of choice as to where my tax dollars go, I don't mind paying for good roads to ride on and good schools but, I hate having to pay the salary of a representative who doesn't fully understand how greenhouse gasses work. Have you ever cited your degree in science to suggest a reduction in water vapor, another greenhouse gas? Does your assessment of  production of co2 have any sort of comparison charts between a cyclist versus a single person in a car? I find your lack of cited material regarding co2 emissions staggering.

The state of Washington is home to hundreds of bicycle shops, as well as Kona Bicycles; a well respected, internationally sold bike brand.

I think if you did a bit of cycling yourself you may have a better grasp of how ridiculous your email to Mr Tournay was.

Sincerly

Isaac Denham

I expect a poorly thought out dismissal of my suggestions and potential bowling references. STRIKE!

Skewer Snobbery

Last week I was described as a "Skewer Snob", I was offended for about 10 seconds until I realized the description couldn't be more accurate.
It isn't hard to have "an offensive air of superiority" [Merriam-Webster]  when you work in the bicycle industry; most of us are pretty jaded by interbike and forced obsolescence.  Every year "the next best thing" is unveiled and everyone is made to feel like they are subhuman because their bike isn't "vertically compliant" or "laterally stiff" enough.  "Hey I noticed you have a 2012 Madone with Dura-Ace 7900, you make me sick, you piece of garbage" - A Trek Sales Rep.  Even with all the talk about 11-speed, electronic, or even Italian parts groups shaving your grams, no one ever talks about skewers.  Shimano did make Dura-Ace 9000 skewers to go with their new wheels, ask anyone who works at Shimano and enjoy the blank stares.

The Japanese are pioneers in dolphin flipper technology (and soup).

So then, who gives a shit about skewers? I do. With so many parts of a bike costing thousands of dollars, skewers are an opportunity to buy something extravagantly expensive and still only be spending about $100. Buy a frame for less than two hundred dollars and it will likely be made out of asbestos and Super-AIDS; buy a set of hundred dollar skewers and they will be made of angel wings and unicorn hooves. Putting trash skewers on your $7000 bike is like pairing a Wal-Mart tie with an William Fioravanti suit, you better be fast because you look like an asshole.

My preference is for bolt-on skewers: I don't race competitively and, I always ride with a multi tool so I don't mind the few extra seconds to wrench my wheel. I have bolt-on skewers on all my bikes: they are probably more aero than quick releases (matters tons on the fatbike), they are significantly lighter and, the clamping force is more predictable. I also work on my own bikes so I consider the extra few seconds for wheel removal "me-time" if you don't work on your own bike stick with quick releases because unbolting your wheel takes us longer and ain't nobody got time fo dat.

My favorite skewer is the Control Tech Race-SL, made of titanium bolts with scandium end caps, the Race-SL's only weight 25 grams for the set. Swapping out a set of Mavic Skewers saved me a quarter pound of bike weight, GODDAMN! I know what you are thinking; isn't Control Tech the French company that makes stupid and gaudy bike parts? ANSWER: no and sometimes.

Control Tech no longer makes this crime against humanity

There are several other companies out there that make rad skewers too: Tune, Extralite, KCNC and New Ultimate all make lust worthy skewers that are probably better than yours. You can get skewers to color match your frame or some pink ones to match your pretentious, Rapha-infused attitude.  Considering the weight difference between a Cervelo R3 frame and a R5 California frame is less than 200 grams for more than a $7000 COST DIFFERENCE it's probably not a bad idea to invest in some high-end skewers. Use that $7000 savings on a new Red group and you will still have enough money left over for a bunch of performance enhancing drugs!

Coffee and opulence, a lifelong persuit of the finer things in life

Since this is my first post regarding coffee I should explain 3 things, things not directly related to coffee but which apply to coffee in regards to to my world view.

1. When purchasing anything, what you get correlates directly to what you pay for it.
There is a reason why a  Maybach 62S cost approximately half a million dollars,  it comes with a rear refrigerator, sterling silver champagne flutes, and leather made out of endangered bottle-nosed dolphins. Your Maybach purchase takes place at a studio and you deal exclusively with a relationship manager who attends to your every whim and need, extravagant. A Maybach (the ultra luxury division of Mercedes Benz) is arguably the best automobile in the world, and since it costs  more than my house, I will never own one.

2. Buying anything directly from the person that produces it will increase your enjoyment of it.
I have never met a Guatemalan coffee wrangler (or whatever they call themselves) but the roaster that I purchase my beans from has. If I had the chance to go to the third world country my coffee comes from, only to awkwardly stumble my way through the language barrier, I'm sure I would think it was terrible. That "Fair Trade" logo doesn't imply that the sweaty guy toiling away in the coffee plantation has dental and missing front teeth is one of my hot buttons. Since I plan to NEVER meet a coffee grower in person, I enjoy talking incessantly about how my coffee is locally roasted and "single origin" I may even talk about how "citrusy" and "lush" their Rwandan is. A fun way to feel instantly superior to a hipster is to refer to your coffee as "Glocal" they will feel immediately inferior and ashamed that they didn't use that made up word first.

3. Little luxuries are still luxurious.
I cannot afford a car with a Champagne chiller in between the rear reclining seats or even a Pinarello Dogma 2 with a full Super Record EPS parts group, shamefully my TV is only 720p and I always fly coach. I am unable to afford the most expensive of the the expensive things but, I love to buy the most expensive of the cheap things, I'll explain with a few comparisons below.

Regular Flat screen TV $400 - Most Expensive flat screen TV at Best Buy $4,200

Regular Bottle of wine $21 -expensive bottle of wine $14,395

Regular cup of Coffee $2.00 - Most expensive cup of Coffee I've ever seen on a menu $16.00

You're telling me it will cost three and a half televisions just to get drunk? Fuck you. 

The cost for the most expensive coffee in the world is still less than lunch at Citizens Bank Park (that hot dog probably fell on the floor, yum).

I am more than happy to pay waaaaay too much money for coffee that was eaten, digested, and literally shit out of a Asain Palm Civet  because it is considered to be the best in the world.

Kopi Luwak shown here post shit, and pre-beverage

With that out of the way, here is my review of The Gryphon Cafe's dark roasted Timor.

The Gryphon Cafe in Wayne is my local coffee establishment, I usually only go there 11 times a week so I may not know about all of their roasts.  What I do know is, that about 2 years ago Rich (owner/roaster/ponytail aficionado) poured me a cup of coffee so good I nearly dropped to the floor and wept; this was the dark Timor.

A bad dark roast will be bitter and taste a bit like burnt popcorn, essentially what you are tasting is  charcoal. A bad dark roast is typically accompanied with lots of sugar and milk also called "Caramel Macchiato".  Dark roast coffee is pervasive in America, because the larger roasters use the extra roasting to cover up the mediocre flavor of cheap beans, "it all tastes burnt, great, now ship it off to Starbucks". When you tell most coffee snobs that you like dark roast coffee they will assume that you are an asshole, or can't afford wi-fi at home; so I admit to liking dark roast with some apprehension.

Timor is an island in Indonesia with rich volcanic soil that may have something to do the sweetness and flavor of the beans but, amazing coffee cherries won't make up for a shitty roast.  As best as I can tell Rich has two roasts which he uses on the Timor: "dark" and "fuck yeah! dark".  When the Timor is roasted dark I get a 20oz cup (or as they call it "large"). When the Timor is roasted darker, I get a bag. If beans are roasted properly some of the oils will come to the surface, the sugars will caramelize instead of burn, and the coffee will show you the face of god.
The darker roast adds a strong dark chocolate flavor;  not Hershey garbage, a high cocoa artisan chocolate. The darker roast tastes sweet enough that I happily put in less sugar. I have been drinking coffee for more than a decade and have had drip cups and espressos from roasters around the country and beans from around the world. I own an Aeropress, a french press, a Keurig  and I may even have coffee maker somewhere. I would say that I am a coffee enthusiast and I consider the dark roasted Timor at the Gryphon to be one of the best coffees I have ever had.

This is an actual picture of the actual coffee I drank while writing this

Thanks to all the staff of the Gryphon who put up with my bullshit daily.

Trashtags

#betterthansex #SMMR #GryphonCafeWayne

Don't be shitty, and 3 other life lessons bikes have taught me

1. Riding a bike should be fun. For all the talk about "pain caves" and "sufferfests" sometimes people forget that riding bikes should be fun. There will be no podium girls when you win the group ride, there is no trophy for most miserable asshole. I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't push yourself, or that riding shouldn't be hard sometimes but, if you aren't having fun: just get off your bike, set it on fire and never look back.

2. You can't fix everything. No matter how hard you try, some things can't be fixed. Some bikes are beyond repair no matter how hard you try, no matter how much money you spend. Some people won't change, no matter how much time and effort you put in. Whether it's bikes, people, or situations, sometimes you have to wipe away the dirt, blood and tears and start over; decide what is the best course of action tomorrow and move on.

3. Being a cyclist is a lifestyle, not a Rock' n' Roll lifestyle. Spandex pants aren't hip, you will not be recruited onto Van Halen, shredding downhill doesn't doesn't make you a rock star, no matter how hard you "pinned it brah". You may seem to cool to other cyclists but, that is like being the hottest girl in Minnesota, outside of your little pond no one cares.  If you are trying to live fast and die young, I suggest you get working on the dieing part because, your "fast livin'" is getting in the way of my day to day operations.

All my heros are DEAD

It's barely half way through January, the shittiest time of the year, unless you are an accountant or divorce lawyer.  Every day between new years day and Valentines day is a constant reminder that you are fatter than you want to be, trudging closer to death one, bleak winter day at a time and -oh yeah- nobody loves you; enjoy your tiramisu for one.  Winter is a particularly awful time of year for the bicycle industry, with the new model year (and subsequent product releases) happening in late summer there is little to excited about until the start of spring classics.

With so little to talk about of real substance I find myself begrudgingly drawn into conversations about Lance Armstrong. I've been asked if I was doping by the cashier at the hardware store, I've had people ask for discounts on Lance emblazoned packages of honey stinger waffles and I have had to ignore countless facebook posts.  At the risk of losing street cred I have a shameful confession: I got "into cycling" in 2008, I have no long storied history of mid nineties glory days. I never watched Lance "win" those seven tours, I never yelled "USA, USA" at the spandex wearing, doped-up supermen of the US Postal team, I don't have the history to feel lied about and slighted by. When it comes to Lance Armstrong's guilt, I simply don't care.

The main reason that Lance is a prick is that he didn't give a shit about curing cancer before he was affected by it, he even goes so far as to call it "...the best thing that ever happened to me," [directly from his fuckin' BIO ON HIS WEBSITE!!!].  Lancearmstrong.com doesn't seem to have been updated since October 17th when Lance stepped down from his ivory tower at livestrong and decided to let cancer win. Cancer didn't hurt Lance, cancer MADE Lance.

This is how I imagine the realization of cancer came to Lance.

 

Lance: I'm so perfect, I'm definitely pulling off this hair style, nothing will ever go wrong for me. Someday I'll marry a famous rock star.

 Doctor: Lance, I'm afraid you have cancer

 

 Lance: Whaaaaaa?!?!?

 

 Doctor: It appears to be in your testicles. Luckily you're rich so you can afford the very best experimental treatments.

Lance: I totally care so much about cancer now, I think I will start "the Lance Armstrong Foundation" for the entire cancer community, not just some self-important douche on a bike.

Doctor: I have even worse news Lance, the rock star you get married to is Sheryl Crow.

American TV is stupid, except Stephen Colbert (that dude is HILARIOUS!)
What really needs to happen for the (united states) cycling world to have closure is not a 3 hour interview wherein Lance admits guilt; what we need, is more bike racing on regular TV. I am tired of paying extra to get obscure cable channels that only play race highlights if hockey isn't on. I'm tired of watching grainy internet streaming video that always seems to buffer when there is an attack in the alps. I'm tired of pro cycling being treated like soccer.The best way for Americans to get over a fallen hero is to get a new hero, the best way to find a new hero is to never leave the couch and just watch TV.
Here are a few recommendations for replacement heroes

1. Fabian Cancellara
Multiple stage winner who has embarrassed many a strong man on the cobbles. Fabian is morbidly obese by pro cycling standards which might make him more palatable to the American public. Fabian is sexy and has swagger for days, is that a cashmere scarf at a press conference? Fuck yeah it is!

That scarf is covering up all the hickies your mom just gave him

2. Ryder Hesjedal
Winner of the 2012 Giro. Ryder joined team Discovery Channel the same year Lance left. Shortly before leaving the team, Lance allegedly lost a dick measuring contest to Hesjedal and was forced to kiss George Hincapie on the mouth. Less handsome than Fabian and unquestionably Canadian, Ryder may not be the perfect Lance substitute, but at least he speaks north American so he's close.

Ryder shown here with two stuffed wolves he may have killed barehanded

3. Mark Simon Cavendish
"Mark Cavendish is the best bike rider in the world" [source: M. Cavendish]. With 36 Stage wins under is belt Mark has enough victories under his belt to be a conceited ass, a personality trait most closely resembling Armstrong.  In 2011 Mark was appointed a Member of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire and has been attacking other sprinters with broadswords ever since, which is pretty cool.

Full penetration or Fizik Saddle? Same face either way.

I look forward to cheering on these men (along with a dozen or so other cyclists with barely pronounceable eastern european names) this summer on NBC Eurosport-Universal 2 . Now go read about the Tour Down Under, *** UPDATED***or watch it on NBC sports (for coverage shorter than a cat-fart) from 3:30-4:00

Fatbikes, a conclusion

 Fatbikes + not being an uber competitive douche = AWESOME!

I have 3 rides on my Surly Pugsley, I have ridden mostly fast, cross country terrain with minimal climbing.  The places I took the pugsley on trails I knew and used Strava to get a good comparison of relative speed compared to my normal ride. It isn't exactly a fair fight since the pug has 9 gears and my other bike is a single speed 29er but, with a 10 pound weight difference I had to even the playing field a little.  I have been riding a single speed mountain bike exclusively for more than a year and a half so have 8 extra speeds was mind blowing.

I prefer to call  gears by their original name circa 1906, "CHEATING"

How fatty handled out on the trail

On a 3/4 mile segment with several log-overs and only 50 feet of climbing, the pug was only slower than my fastest time by 8 seconds. Not surprisingly the pug was super smooth going over bumps smaller than 8 inches. I was impressed by how capable this full rigid 26 inch bike takes itself over much taller obstacles. For a 32.5 pound bike i found it to be quite nimble when it came to clearing logs.
The only place where the fatbike felt sluggish was on a long, smooth, 3.7% uphill.  Straight away trails leave your mind little else but time to focus on the squish.

I would publish my Strava segment as proof of my negligible decrease in speed but, due to a legal battle where I was falsely accused of killing an Asian guy in the bay area I will have to substitute with a non-Strava approved map.

I was riding in the lower right side of the diagonal stripes

Who should get a fatbike?

1. People who don't give a fuck or PWDGAF. Not giving a fuck gives you a big advantage when building, buying or riding a fatbike since people with significantly lighter bikes will call your new princess stupid, and obese. PWDGAF don't usually race or act like hyper competitive dicks, so owning a slightly slower bike is of little consequence. PWDGAF have also heard people say "you're a 30 year old man, why do you spend so much time on a bicycle?" and shrugged it off, so riding an heavy, weirdo bike is no big deal.

2. Attention whores. Attention whores love getting open-ended questions so that they have an opportunity to really talk about themselves, really. I have owned the pugsley for less than 2 weeks and I have had strangers ask to take pictures of my bike, people in cars honk and wave, and countless other riders grill me about specifics.  Every other bike person will pick up your fatbike and say, "hmm not too bad," inspect the tires and say "what size are those" and so many more openings to talk about YOU!  Don't you get it attention whores? No one has asked about your Zipp 303 Firecrest wheels for almost 14 months. Since the fatbike (trend/fad) is still relatively new it will give you the opportunity to talk incessantly about yourself for the next 18 months at least.

3. Triathletes. Great way to cross-train bro, and chances are you are already an attention whore too, bonus.

4. "Steel-is-real" Hipster douchebags. This last group will buy anything pseudo obscure and pretend it is cool for a season and then, complain that it "got too corporate" when they realize it is too hard. Hipsters also love to talk about themselves but, will probably only get about half the mileage that attention whores will get out of owning a fatbike since, eventually one of their friends will realize the bike is made in Taiwan.

I used to have an organic free range alpaca farm but, that shit got too corporate. -Filthy Portland Hipster

With more manufacturers coming out with Fatbikes every year it won't be long until they are more commonplace, there is even a rumor that Kona has a Fatty in the works for 2014.  

 All things considered I am very happy with my Pugsley purchase, and I look forward many more slow, obscure, amazingly fun rides on it.