Sunday, December 18, 2016

Change is hard and so am I

The Internet is a sore subject for US bike shops, look in any bike industry online forum and the complaints are the same:
"Competitive cyclist is killing my margin"
" is selling Shimano for less than wholesale cost"
"Jeff Bezos just had sex with my girlfriend"
It would seem that the Internet is only really good for getting a sweet deal or bitching about customers going elsewhere for sweet deals, something has to change.
Change is scary, just ask the CEO of Circuit City

If you are an bike industry lifer, chances are you don't want to change. "Why should I change, I'm perfect!" If you really were perfect you wouldn't be worried about the Internet and would have stopped reading after the Bezos joke, since you are still here I'll let you in on a secret:

The industry doesn't care about you, the industry cares about profit.

Since we are being honest with each other let's admit that you don't really care about the bike industry either, you ALSO care about profit. You don't don't actually care if big bike companies go under or other bike shops fail.  Bike retailers are reliant on manufacturers determining and enforcing prices desperately hoping that MAP + Installation fees will put food on the table. It is easy to focus on the microcosm of staying afloat but what needs to happen is evolution not mere survival.
Change is Scary just ask any former manager from Borders Book Store

Your bike shop is competing with the Internet but, your bike producer is competing with the Internet too and you should be prepared for a change.  Canyon Bicycles are coming to the US market in 2017 and they cost the end consumer less than any other major brand by eliminating the storefront. Trek, Specialized, Cannondale and Giant will need to fight back by lowering MSRP while maintaining wholesale cost, killing your margin. Be prepared for ALL 4 major bike brands to implement online sales in the next three years. While you're at it, be prepared for customers to be able to buy anything online in less than a decade. 

How can bike shops compete with Amazon? Start by Price matching.


 Amazon assembly service charges $150 for the same Raleigh single speed cruiser that you can get pre-assembled in a bike shop. Amazon assembly is often performed by untrained assholes more adept at setting up Frigidaire than front derailleur. Amazon won't even inflate your damn tires! Inflating bicycle tires is not included in this service. Some pros may be able to inflate tires for an additional fee.  If bike shops began charging for bike assembly  then the shop owners can control pricing instead of the manufacturer, you could even inflate tires for free, because you are such a nice guy. Professional assembly is required by each of the big 4 manufacturers but the dealer agreement can be changed at any time and shops should be prepared. Start the new year by adding $150 build fee to each bike sold then, give a $150 discount, it's the same price you are charging now but, by giving the labor a monetary value you can more easily transition to a business model that charges for builds in the future.
An average shop builds between 400 and 800 bikes a year; consider the margin if you added $150 of labor to each of those bikes, what would an extra 60k-120k of cash do to your net profit?

Of course you can't price match everything on the Internet.  An article about selling  tubes for $4.29 caused minor uproar among industry folk and, Amazon sells 10 packs of tubes for $35 with free Prime shipping, that's darn near wholesale! Even Performance Bike sells tubes for approximately 5.25 apiece when you buy 4. People can buy tubes online or even down the street for less and, finding tubes for 70% less than your price makes you look like you are price gouging, regardless of MSRP. Stop fighting your way to the bottom of the tube price war, change.
Change is scary just ask anyone who ever worked at Blockbuster Video.

Stop selling tubes, start selling flat repair.

Sell flat repair for $30 with a 30 day guarantee and no mention of the tube pricing. Some people may get a few extra tubes out of you but, most people aren't trying to scam you and don't want to be bothered with return trips to the shop, they just want piece of mind. This guarantee goes both ways, it guarantees that customers will come back if something is wrong. If you miss a thorn while fixing a flat your customer will be upset that the flat you just fixed is flat again, if you are lucky that upset customer will come back and you will fix it again (for free), if you aren't lucky, they will go to another shop down the street.

I am basing flat repair pricing on my Fiance's perception of value. My fiance is a brilliant law student, she shops online for sales and even has an app called Honey that searches for discounts codes on ANY website when you get to the payment screen, but she is not a bike industry person. When asked how much she would pay for a flat repair her answer is "I dunno, fifty bucks?". She reminds me that most of our customers are NOT industry people or even people that have any preconceived notions of what things should cost.

Your customers may never understand the difference between a $400 bike and a $300 bike with a $100 build fee but, our focus should be on keeping them engaged in the bike shop experience not trying to fight the way they want to shop, or the multi-billion dollar companies that don't really care about you. The time to change is now. 
Change is Scary just ask the dinosaurs.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Dear CDC and GOP: Go fuck yourself

  Congress thinks you're so pretty when you don't talk

The Center for Disease Control just released a sweet new infographic that is finally telling women what men have been telling women for years:
You're a dirty slut and you probably totally deserve whatever is coming to you.
That's right, if you are a chick who is between the ages of Jailbait and Milf you should cut back on the booze. You shouldn't dress so slutty either, you are just asking for it.

"But, how do I know what is an appropriate amount to drink?"
Great question sweetheart, here, I made you a list.
  • The right amount of alcohol for any woman under 21: ZERO
  • The right amount of alcohol for a woman who is pregnant or might get pregnant: FUCKING ZERO
  • The right amount of alcohol for any woman who doesn't want to be RAPED and get STD's:


  • The right amount of alcohol for a woman who doesn't have a sexual partner but is taking hormonal birth control just in case, and you have condoms in your purse that you bought from the creepy old pharmacist who gave you dirty looks when you bought them, and you've carefully weighed your risk for cancer and heart disease: NOT MORE THAN ONE DRINK A DAY.
"Who the fuck do these people think they are"
Settle down, I'll tell you who. They are the U.S. Department of Agriculture and the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services and they only want what is best for you. These are probably science-men who know a lot more than you do, probably. These alleged science-men say alcohol effects women more than men because women are tiny and filled with less water than a man, that's fuckin' adorable.
These science-men know how hard it can be to control your lady emotions which is why you shouldn't drink so much.

Now lets assume you are a filthy sorority girl who is shotgunning your way right up to the 4 drinks in 3 hours threshold, aside from spending much of your evening crying about old boyfriends who are dating your best friend you will most certainly get pregnant, and what will likely happen to your interracial shame baby?
According to the chart you can look forward to (among other things):
  • damage to parts of the brain.
Which leads to...
Behavioral and intellectual disabilities
  • learning disabilities and low IQ
  • hyperactivity
  • difficulty with attention
  • poor ability to communicate in social situations
  • poor reasoning and judgment skills
 Oh no, your shame baby (or #Shaby) is gonna be retarded AND have ADHD? Well that's no so bad, those people still manage to lead pretty good lives most of the time, but wait...

These can lead to...
Lifelong issues with
  • school and social skills
  • living independently 
  • mental health
  • substance use
  • keeping a job
  • trouble with the law
OH NO! your little retard will be a crack addict too? Yep, enjoy the next 12 years spoon feeding him generic baby food before you ship him off to the state penitentiary at the ripe age of 13. Damn, looks like you fucked up your whole life you little tramp, all because you had to have a fifth wine cooler.

"Wait, I know I messed up and I feel terrible about it, I'm clearly an awful person, but can't I just have an abortion? I don't really want to have an abortion but I definitely can't have an Autistic crack dealing 11 year-old. I know an abortion clinic where the people outside only spit on you as you walk in the door instead of throwing rocks, I'll go there."
Caption text here
Hope she has tissues in the car

 Hold that thought princess, did you get your 24-Hour Consent Confirmation page signed?
Has it been at least 48 hours since you used street drugs? (really?) and 12 hours since you ate or smoked anything?
Did you bring an escort to take you home and did you bring sanitary pads so you don't bleed all over your friends car?
Are you super sure you haven't used street drugs in 48 hours?
Did you bring your credit card, because there is a 40% chance that your insurance doesn't cover the cost of abortions
Good. Now lets spread you like a turkey and shove cold metal in your vagina to determine length of pregnancy all while you try desperately to avoid eye contact with anyone.

You better be more careful next time because there is a chance that there won't be a next time. The same government that's looking out for your water deficient body is also working pretty hard to tell you what you can't do with it in other ways.

"They can't really do that though, right?"
Squinty-eyed sack of crap Ted Cruz said in November of 2015 that "Congress could “absolutely” criminalize all abortion by passing a law giving 14th Amendment protections to fetuses and zygotes, thus bypassing a constitutional amendment overturning Roe v. Wade.
Ted Cruz looks like the type of guy that desperately NEEDS women to be a little tipsy before he gets laid; in fact Teddy "Bear" Cruz looks like a serial date rapist in a slightly nicer suit.
Ted Cruz seems like he would nickname his penis the "Cruz Missile"
Ted Cruz literally used to creep out female students at Princeton by donning a paisley bathrobe and walking to the opposite end of their dorm’s hallway where the female students live.
Do you want to see my spicy side?
Marco Rubio on the other hand, he's a panty-dropper, as far a Republicans go he's a solid 9 out of 10 too bad he is also pro-life.
In fact EVERYsingle GOP candidate is also pro-life, even the chick!

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Former drug addict Rush Limbaugh is still a big fat idiot

Rush Limbaugh has no business lecturing anybody about fitness.

Rush Limbaugh is known for several things: wildly conservative political views, an addiction to prescription pain killers and laughably small genitals. One thing that rush Limbaugh has never been known for is fitness, of any kind, even during wartime.  Sure he has been seen golfing but he usually "let[s] the colored boy" carry his clubs. Sure he lost a bunch of weight when he was on drugs, but that's only because it is super hard to eat a whole cheesecake when you are high on Vicodin and Oxycontin (I'm sure he tried). Rush's working knowledge of  health seems a bit lacking.
In the background you can see the caddy who Rush jokingly calls "Kunta Kinte"
Here is a DIRECT quote from his own website 
The last time Rush had an elevated heartbeat and a sweaty brow he was waiting to be acquitted of sexual assault charges. 
As a rich white guy, I assume Rush can talk confidently about mutual funds, the Buick LeSabre and oppressing minorities but, his lack of experience with exercise is exactly what makes his opinions of bicycling, and who should be cycling, totally worthless.

Who cares about the opinions of a big, fat, idiot like Rush Limbaugh? Rush Limbaugh does.
Last week former Vietnam vet and current Secretary of State John Kerry crashed his bicycle on a mountain in France and broke his leg. Most people were concerned for his safety, Kerry was airlifted to a hospital in Geneva Switzerland and then later flown back to Mass. General Hospital where he saw the doctor that performed both of his hip replacements.
But Rush Limbaugh is not most people, he's a colossal dick. Rush heard the news, put down a giant bowl of pudding, and took the opportunity to talk shit, saying that 71 year old John Kerry was too old to ride a "stupid bike".


John Kerry has been riding bicycles for years, he wasn't just doing it in France for a photo-op as Rush assumed. This was actually the second time this year Kerry had ridden in the French Alps. Being Secretary of State means you have to fly your ass all over the damn globe; Kerry has been to 62 countries in the last two years and has ridden his bike in most of them. Rush Limbaugh can only name 39 states and he hasn't ridden a bicycle in ANY of them. 

Here's Kerry riding his custom Serotta. If I were Sec of State I would be running Di2 instead of old 7800 Dura-Ace.

Rush Limbaugh is a coward.
I usually disagree with Rush Limbaugh for political reasons or the fact that he is probably a rapist but this time I disagree with him based on manliness. Rush thought what (purple heart awarded) Kerry did was stupid and unsafe, even though his "peloton" included paramedics and a physician and security guards. Do you know what that means? It means Kerry was in less danger than your average cyclist on the bike path in Philadelphia.  Meanwhile in Russia, Vladimir Putin is punching bears to death in unregulated underground cage fights. 

Hey Rush: stop trying to make the USA look weak in front of the Russians, or the Iranians, or the terrorists, or the fuckin French!
Ok, not exactly 1080p but it was the best picture I could smuggle out of the country.
Tough Guy 2.0
John Kerry is not John Wayne or Charles Bronson, he wasn't riding a bull and shooting pistols in the air, the US may never get back our 1950s level of perceived toughness but, having a Secretary of State that climbs mountains, plays ice hockey and windsurfs sure helps.  During the helicopter ride to the hospital in Geneva Kerry was overheard saying "how about you let me fly this bird around a little bit" and was visibly peeved when he was told that it wasn't safe.
Having a Secretary of State that rides bikes in foreign countries instead of looking like a manatee in a suit helps America not look like a bunch of fat worthless slobs.

Heal up soon John Kerry, we need more politicians that aren't afraid to throw on some spandex and go kick some ass in Europe.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

The NFL: Not just for fat, drunk, biggots anymore


This guy could beat the shit out of Jack Burkman

I'm not gay but, I did go to a liberal arts college in New Mexico.
Recently, college football star Michael Sam has gotten super famous for being a half-decent football player and a world class homo. I couldn't have cared less about the NFL or the gayness of it's newest player until: DC Lobbyist Jack Burkman decided to be a GIANT ASSHOLE by drafting a bill to ban gay players in the NFL. While I still don't really care about professional football, I do care about calling out assholes.
Burkman said in a statement.”We are losing our decency as a nation, imagine your son being forced to shower with a gay man." Ewww gross! I want my sons forced to shower with a room full of naked straight dudes, NOT some FAGGOT! Burkman went on to say that football is about heterosexual men in tight pants, grabbing each other and wrestling one another to the ground, eventually ending up in writhing pile of pent up aggression, nothing gay about it. 

I'm not gay but, bus stations in North Philadelphia are scary at night when you're all alone. 
Jack "Pinky" Burkman even went as far as to say “If the NFL has no morals and no values, then Congress must find values for it".  Burkman apparently could  have used a little help finding his values in June of 2006 when he tried to pay young girls for sex. The exposure eventually led to evidence that Burkman had been seeing prostitutes when his number appeared in the DC Madam's phone records. What a fuckin' hypocrite! I could almost overlook his lack of morals if he wasn't such a judgmental bag of dicks. To his credit Burkman was having illegal sex with women, at least he's no queer. 

Now I'm not gay but, I have been accused of putting on chapstick pretty suggestively.
I think that rather than the NFL ignoring 1 openly gay player and the (statistically speaking) 84 gay players in the closet, the Nation Football League needs to embrace its diversity.  I'm not gay but, I do like French Techno and artisan cheese. Maybe the NFL needs to reconsider it's commercials, I look forward to seeing half-time commercials selling Brie cheese with Daft Punk Playing in the background. Toast up the baguette, Saint André® will help you "Get Lucky". Or maybe start selling more commercial time to IKEA, Coca-Cola and The GAP that have actual gay commercials instead of vaguely homoerotic Miller 64 commercials.

I'm not gay but, 20 bucks is 20 bucks, and no one likes to pay for drinks. 
Maybe what the NFL really needs to do is change the way it goes through it's recruiting process. Have you seen gay dudes recently? Every gay man I know spends 20 hours a week in the gym and looks like they are cut out of solid fucking GRANITE! The NFL should have permanent recruiting centers in San Francisco and Rehoboth Beach. People used to call gay dudes "sissy" and "limp-wrist" now it's 2014 and gay men look like you could smash a chair over their backs like pro wrestlers. Gay men used to be adorable, now they are all terrifying and muscly. Now imagine 11 massive dudes (with perfect skin) sprinting down field ready to crush one teeny tiny wide receiver.

In the gay community this is what is known as a "smallish Man"

I'm not gay but, I do shop at Lowes for my home and garden supplies. 
The NFL should also remember that when there are 2 men with careers and no kids, they have tons of extra cash to spend on stuff that I could only dream of. 
          "Honey could we use a third 68 inch TV for our penthouse apartment?"
          "Sure, it will go with our imported mahogany bedroom set." 
That's sooo gay. 
Apparently the gays are too busy acquiring mutual funds and getting totally ripped to worry about lacking values. I still don't care about the NFL but I do know that the catering will be way better at a gay Super Bowl party, so pass the Chilean wine and tapas I'M READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!!!

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Sugar: The Original Performance Enhancing Drug

There are people that will tell you that refined, white -ethnically cleansed- cane sugar is poison and you shouldn't eat any. These same sugar-hating fun police will think nothing of losing toenails because they just ran an ultra marathon. I have even been told that "cane sugar is addictive". ADDICTIVE? REALLY??? I've never sucked a dick in an alley near 12th & Walnut for sugar cubes.
Face it, sugar is a miracle of nature and the fact that we can harvest these granulated joy-crystals is proof that (insert deity) wants humans to be happy.
I enjoy sugar but I will admit that I wish things were less sweet. We need to eat sugar in moderation and not just replace it with chemicals that trick our brains into thinking we had sugar.  Artificial sweeteners replace real sugar with what I'm pretty sure is poison and somehow makes stuff more sweet?! FUCK THAT. I'm willing to trade a bucketful of cancerous lab rats for a soda that contains 30% less sugar.  A 30% reduction in sugar would bring a Red Bull down to 18grams per can.  The 65 grams of sugar in a 20oz Coca-Cola literally weigh more than the skewers in my road bike!!! A 30% decrease in that 20oz bottle would still be 45.5 grams (1 1/2 ounce) of sugar which would still be considered a fuckload by the sugar haters and yet still not enough for most 'Muricans.

It is with the dual position of both loving sweet things and wanting more moderation that I review (and state my love) of KIND bars "Dark chocolate and sea salt" and Madagascar vanilla almond".
Kind bars can be found lots of places but the best selection is in your local Whole Foods Market. You will likely need help finding the KIND bars since Whole Foods carries about 1276 different food-type bars scattered throughout the store. this makes finding KIND bars similar to an organic, grass-fed, easter egg hunt led by an emaciated vegan. Once you have been led to the KIND bar section be sure to ask the vegan which bars are low sugar (he'll know exactly which ones). After your vegan has helped you select the lowest sugar and most plant-based KIND bar he will likely try to sell you a bunch of kale and a Vitamix blender, this is normal, just back away slowly.

My actual emaciated, Whole Foods vegan, Matt*

 The first thing you will notice while standing in line is that KIND bars actually look like things you would eat. Is that an almond in there? Fuck yeah it is! Many protein-food-meal-type bars look like they were extruded from a robot asshole, not KIND bars, they actually resemble food! 

Sure they look like food, how do they taste? Madagascar Vanilla has 4g of sugar, it tastes nutty and mildly sweet, the flavor is subtle and delicious. With only 4 grams of sugar it's a very low sugar snack assuming you don't immediately give in to the urge to shove 5 bars down your food-hole. Low sugar is no excuse to be a disgusting pig-man and it certainly doesn't mean low calorie, you still need self control and moderation, fatty.

Whoever came up with combination of dark chocolate and coarse sea salt should spend the rest of his life being carried on a golden throne and fellated by Mila Kunis. The nice folks over at KIND surely agreed with me when they decided to make the Dark Chocolate Nuts and Sea Salt bar. The DCNaSS has a mere 5g of sugar; how the fuck does this only contain 5 grams of sugar? This bar is off the chain! If I had to choose to save a bag of these bars or a bag of Puppies from sinking in a river I would end up with a full tummy and an empty sack. To quote "Flamin" Moe Szyslak "it's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited" I tried DCNaSS flavor with apprehension because I thought it may be too sweet, boy was I wrong, like a monkey petting a kitty, it's just right.

Dark nuts? Yes please!

Could I eat these 2 flavors every day? Maybe I would eventually get bored, just like I'll eventually get bored of XBOX, beer and hand jobs, maybe. So what happens when I do get bored of my two flavors? I recently spoke to a KIND Bar sales rep (let's call him Chad since I forgot his name) and Chaz told me that there are four new low sugar flavors coming out in 2014, Thanks Chet! 
KIND bars: taste phenomenal, low sugar, gluten free (if you give a shit) and it's made with ingredients you can pronounce; eat them and be judgmental about other people's food choices!

*Matt enjoys a plant based diet, riding bicycles faster than me, and multi-hour tantric sex sessions.

Trashtags and Hashtags

Friday, November 29, 2013

Dear bike shops, cut the shit.

Dear shops with berber carpet and "bike shop bathrooms".
It's time to cut the shit and start growing up. Almost every shop I go into is thoroughly unimpressive. I go into a lot of shops too, big  chain shops, independent shops and boutique-y douche bag shops, I go into shops that have employees that are "too good" to make eye contact. I make it a point to go into different shops -always announcing my presence- and look down upon my industry peers. Almost every shop follows the same bullshit pattern.  Lazy merchandising with as much shit crammed per square inch as possible, while letting halo product like $11,000 Project-S-Black-California dictate the overall impression your shop makes. Typically the shops are staffed by a few knowledgeable people and a bunch of total clowns. Guess what? You can sell S-Works and PinaGucci but your sales floor still looks like spandex diarrhea. 
I've left shops thinking to myself: "what a crap-hole, I've kept captives in nicer places" then proceeded to go home and feed my detainees dog food, Purina dog food.
So who cares? I'm just some asshole on the internet that pissed off Cervëlo. You care Mr bike shop owner. If you have ever even once price matched ANYTHING  to the nashbars or had one customer bring in a 90% assembled bike in a box, YOU BETTER FUCKING CARE. In the 90s when internet porn was still dialing up at 28.8 kbps and Ross was still bangin' Rachel, shops could be grungy holes where so-called "master" mechanics could build your wheels in solitude, that doesn't cut it anymore. It's 2014 (model year) and you can stream coaching sessions directly to your power device in the comfort of your home. You can buy parts from China at damn near dealer cost and watch a YouTube video showing you how to install it. You can even download an app that will tell you how to fit your bike. (Side note: internet bike fits DIRECTLY cause erectile dysfunction.)  Did the internet kill bike shops? Yeah, the internet killed off more than 1000 really shitty bike shops nationally between 2008 and 2012 and, it threatens to kill the remaining 4000+ shops too if you don't cut the shit and be better.

Don't try and be the best bike shop either, that's like being the best Cincinnati sports team; climb a bigger mountain.Look for inspiration at successful companies that don't sell bikes. I went into Lululemon to check out their merchandising and, cute girls in tight pants. After my rager went to a half-chub I also went to Anthropologie. The first thing I noticed in both places is that they SMELLED good, not like tires or body odor. The second thing I noticed was the merchandising was nothing like bike shops. Both Lulu and Anthropologie  have stacks of things, which means you see a thing on a size 2 mannequin and think "that's what I want to look like" then pick up the folded pants that correspond to your actual ass size, brilliant! As a matter of fact I went to lots of stores with stacks of things and, EVERY one was staffed with employees that made eye contact.
So basically if bike shops are going to survive you need to stop acting like bike shops for "bikers" and start providing concierge service to everyone.  If you want your bike shop to keep on existing do simple things like: opening the damn door when someone is walking up to the shop with a bike, taking a heavy box out to the car for the double-amputee single moms or even, just acknowledging my existence when I come in and start flipping shifters on $10,000 bikes. You don't have anything better to do, I don't give a shit if you are eating lunch and I assure you that my credit card is as good here as it is in the bike shop a mile down the road.
The easiest way to get into the habit of not being a total prick to the people that are keeping food on your table is to just pretend they are all your grandmother, "oh let me get that for you grandma, you shouldn't be carrying that" or "let me explain how all these buttons work, this technology is fairly complex". Don't fall back on"The internet won't fix your bike" mentality either, it only means that when your customers go to ANOTHER BIKE SHOP you have no one to blame but yourself because you didn't merchandise better, you didn't sell better and you smelled like a bus station bathroom.

I don't have a good end to this rant so I'll end with a picture of a kitty instead

Saturday, November 23, 2013

An Apology to Canadians and other sensitive minorities.

I received a lot of heat after some comments I made in several blog posts recently. In response I have made a few changes to this blog, further removing these writings from my personal life. Additionally, I would like to issue a public apology to all offended parties.

I'M SORRY YOU WERE OFFENDED BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T GET THE JOKE. I'm sorry that your internet safe search did not filter out "moustache ride" as too offensive, which it is. I'm sorry that you confused a blog called sunday morning moustache ride for The New Yorker.  I am sorry that you found references to "your mother" under "reasons why I have a glass coffee table" too repugnant. I am sorry if you felt references to your country of origin or lifestyle choices crossed the line.  In short, I'm sorry that you took me seriously.

My blog is not designed to single out and ridicule any one group or person, instead I have chosen to joke about everyone.  The ONLY exception is Mike Sinyard, I will not make any jokes about Mike because, I'm pretty sure he is a Sith Lord and could kill me with his mind.

You shall spend the rest of your days working in a Performance Bike, yesss.

I am thrilled that my writing has elicited such a strong response. Until recently I was unaware of the power that my words could have. I was unaware of the reach that my tiny blog could have (Czech Republic? Really?). I never grew up wanting to be a writer, or an asshole, but now I'm BOTH! Someday I may turn these words into paychecks, but I doubt it, I still don't want to be a writer when I grow up, I'm just too good at being an asshole to stop.

So please accept this sincere apology (or don't) and go ride your bike.