Is a hotdog a sandwich? It doesn't matter if you eat it without using your hands.

I wrote this in 2019 (never published) and it is still accurate

The world is stupid fucking crazy

Well it is almost the year 2020 and our post apocalyptic hellscape  has turned out to be boring  and tedious instead of the glitz and laser beams I had been expecting. As a human race we are searching for fossils on Mars, but U.S. Senators still don't know how pregnancy works. Our government is being run by early 90's style comic book villains like Roger Stone and Stephen Miller, who want to put mind control serum in Gotham's reservoir and kill all the Jews respectively.
Roger Stone looks like what would happen if you gave the monopoly guy a bunch of bad acid and then had a gang of MS-13 gang members kill his parents in front of him, then gave him a million dollars.
Roger Stone has an actual tattoo of Richard Milhous [fucking] NIXON on his back. I feel bad for whomever draws the short straw and has to rape Roger in prison.  Richard Nixon is literally one of the things I think about when I'm trying not to cum (sorry grandma).
This blog used to be funny, but now it's just real actual things without any extra emphasis and somehow is wackier. I dare you to google "roger stone joker"

This photo is not a joke! this is a real fucking photo. really! fucking REALLY!

Stephen Miller on the other hand doesn't look quite so cartoonish, sure he hates immigrants, and the Jews, and black people, and hair plugs, but he mostly just looks like someone you would find at a cross burning. Stevie looks like someone you can take home for Thanksgiving to meet your racist grampy. Miller almost passes for normal, except for the cold dead eyes of someone who catches neighborhood cats and mutilates their penises. 

Speaking of mutilated genitals, in a crazy post apocalyptic twist, somehow Fizik has managed to create a saddle that doesn't make me feel like I'm sitting on the wrong end of a carving knife.

The Italians have seemingly decided that they are not going to take over the world by making everyone impotent and created a delightful crotch-piece called the Argo Vento. This saddle is named after the Ben Affleck movie Argo, but unlike the movie, I can sit through it for a full 120 minutes. Actually Fizik has dropped the whole "what is your Italian spirit animal?" to determine saddle shape. Fizik is now using a different system called "guessing", which I prefer because it forces you to consult a professional bike fitter instead of just pretending you can touch your toes because the "snake" saddle looks cool.  

"But the internet has apps for saddle fitting now"

Thanks jerkoff, here's why that's wrong.

EVERYONE ON THE INTERNET IS TRYING TO YOU SELL SHIT

The internet is great for cat memes and getting catfished, but trying to find the right saddle can be difficult. The search results for "comfortable bike seat" range from saddles i actually recommend to this atrocity.

Time to take up bowling

Yes the spiderflex saddle is hideous. At least they did attempt to associate some research with it, and it is endorsed by a former pro cyclist with erectile dysfunction (which was more likely caused by heavy doping than a bad saddle) It also manages to somehow not be the worst saddle I've ever seen.