Thursday, December 13, 2012

Merry Hanukkah, it's time to get drunk.

Well, it's December again, the time of year when people grumble about where the year went as if they weren't awake for it, and complain about cookies like they haven't been fat for the last eleven and a half months.  As I approach this holiday season with it's thirty degree days and holiday parties I am reminded that there are 2 types of people in the world: people who are good at drinking, and those who are not.

If you are 21 years old and drink 14 Bud Lights with your college buddies, you are not good at drinking, you are an asshole.   If you put ice in wine for ANY reason - I don't care what box it came out of - you are bad at drinking.  If you don't drink, and chose to say loudly "I DON'T DRINK" when someone offers you an alcoholic beverage instead of "no thank you" it is a sure sign that you are bad at drinking and possibly life itself. If you are bad at drinking, please turn off your internet device and go fuck yourself.

Then there are the folks who are good at drinking.  If you choose your beer based on what kind of hops are in it, and know what IBU means, you may be a pretentious hipster, and also good at drinking.  If you use the proper stemware for the type of wine you are drinking and don't fill it up all the way to the rim, you may be good at drinking. If your booze comes in a corked glass bottle instead of a plastic 1.75L jug it is a great first step towards being a better drinker, good for you. 

The Internet: More Than Just Pornography (or so I'm told)
If you like strong, fancy beer and you are a bit of a weirdo I would suggest you ingest BrewDog. Brewdog is a UK brewery that calls itself  "a post Punk apocalyptic mother-fucker of a craft brewery." While you can occasionally come across Brewdog IPA at your local whole foods; to get the really rough good stuff you need to order direct from their online shop,
If you are fan of imperial stouts with an extra $121 dollars to spend on a SINGLE 12 oz beer you can't go wrong with 32% Tactical Nuclear Penguin. 32TNP "should be enjoyed in small servings and with an air of aristocratic nonchalance, " classy. 
If you are a real lady, with hair on your chest, not afraid to punch a guy in the face and think that beer with less than 40% alcohol is for pansies then, "41% Sink The Bismarck!" is for you.  "Sink the Bismarck is a quadruple IPA that contains four times the hops, four times the bitterness and frozen four times to create at a staggering 41% ABV." If you are feeling particularly festive you can get a combo of both beers at a discounted $161.

It's just too bad that Brewdog no longer has their $760 "The End of History" it was a 55% alcohol ale shoved inside a squirrel carcass.
mmmm, let's make out.

If you prefer your drink vessels a bit fancier, they even had a properly dressed gentleman option.
Good day sir! May I shine your Monocle?
I'll keep my fingers crossed that they will make a beer that gets shoved in that coat wearing Ikea  monkey

There is way too much to say about whiskey, and the mere fact that there are two accepted spellings is sure sign that no matter what you say about whiskey, you won't be right or wrong.  Going to a state liquor store to buy a good whiskey is like going to a whorehouse to buy a bag of chips, those people don't know the nuances and don't care which you choose.

If you know about whiskey or at least understand that: more money = better booze,  head over to
Hard to find Whisky, an online retailer that specialises in supplying rare and collectable Single Malt Scotch Whisky. The HTFW website "offers several thousand of the most sought after Single Malt Scotch Whisky in the world, along with a huge selection of miniatures and a comprehensive range of Irish Whiskey and other worldwide Whiskies".

For the 8th night of Hanukkah you can pick up the last bottle of Ben Wyvis (silent) - Final Bottling - 1965 37 year old for just shy of $2300, it comes in a wooden locking box.

Another option, (if you really loved me, mom) is Macallan - Rarest Decanter - 1969 42 year old.
"Just 148 of these fantastic packages have been produced, which include an engraved crystal decanter, two crystal nosing glasses and certificates about the whisky, all of which is displayed in a hand crafted wooden box constructed from the staves of the cask itself". I have always wanted to get drunk for the cost of a slightly used Toyota Camry, which is perfect because this booze cost over $19300.

I imagine drinking a whisky this rare is something like eating an endangered Siberian tiger steak while being given multiple orgasms by Mila Kunis.

Since I tend to spend almost all of my expendable income on bicycle components I will probably never buy any of this fancy booze myself,  I will have to settle for being good at drinking Dogfish head 90 minute IPAs.

1 comment:

  1. I said it before and I'll say it again... Good beer is served in stemware, honey!