Thursday, March 28, 2013

Make your big fat head faster

I'm not blind, I have seen the huge influx of aero helmets into the peloton. In 2013 we have seen some of the best riders in the sport of cycling (not exactly winning) with flashy new aerodynamic helmets. Tom Boonen,Tyler Farrar, and most of Orica Green Edge as well as several other prominent riders are all crushing it with aero lids.

SARCASM SIDEBAR: Cavendish did actually take the win on day 2 of Three Days of De Panne

Cav explains that he is ready to fist Sagan, while Andre Greipel's helmet is just not aero enough

If you are anything like me you see this new trend as a welcome change. I have the aero road bike, I have the 808 tubulars glued up with the 21c dimpled tires, I even wear my camelbak on my chest under my jersey on every ride. I am using Rock 'n' Roll Gold lube exclusively after seeing the friction facts test results. (I have worked all the yaw angles in my basement wind tunnel and I am sick and tired of having to work harder simply to overcome the watts lost to my comically over-sized face. It's gotten so bad that I have even started to actually train most some of the winter, to try and get faster. 
Thanks to a new UCI rule, all equipment used by pro riders has to be available to consumers within nine months of it's premier. NINE MONTHS? That's bullshit, I have Tuesday night group rides to win starting in less than one month.  Riding my bike seems like the worst way to get faster on my bike and really, who has the time? As an American I feel that I should be able to buy some watts RIGHT NOW. I may have forgotten all about aero helmets in less than nine months so I have enlisted the help of my babysitter and aerodynamics engineer Chad to build me an aero helmet for use immediately.

Chad hard at work in my basement wind tunnel

If I still can't win with Chad's AeRoad helmet I will probably just start doping; I'm pretty sure they aren't pee testing the CAT 5's at my local crit. My only real fear about doping is that the new injections may react negatively with my current drug regimen, which increases my testicle size and makes my bike rides look like this:

Shiny snake-face smells like purple, take these Gu Chomps out of my nostril.

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