Thursday, December 26, 2013

Sugar: The Original Performance Enhancing Drug

There are people that will tell you that refined, white -ethnically cleansed- cane sugar is poison and you shouldn't eat any. These same sugar-hating fun police will think nothing of losing toenails because they just ran an ultra marathon. I have even been told that "cane sugar is addictive". ADDICTIVE? REALLY??? I've never sucked a dick in an alley near 12th & Walnut for sugar cubes.
Face it, sugar is a miracle of nature and the fact that we can harvest these granulated joy-crystals is proof that (insert deity) wants humans to be happy.
I enjoy sugar but I will admit that I wish things were less sweet. We need to eat sugar in moderation and not just replace it with chemicals that trick our brains into thinking we had sugar.  Artificial sweeteners replace real sugar with what I'm pretty sure is poison and somehow makes stuff more sweet?! FUCK THAT. I'm willing to trade a bucketful of cancerous lab rats for a soda that contains 30% less sugar.  A 30% reduction in sugar would bring a Red Bull down to 18grams per can.  The 65 grams of sugar in a 20oz Coca-Cola literally weigh more than the skewers in my road bike!!! A 30% decrease in that 20oz bottle would still be 45.5 grams (1 1/2 ounce) of sugar which would still be considered a fuckload by the sugar haters and yet still not enough for most 'Muricans.

It is with the dual position of both loving sweet things and wanting more moderation that I review (and state my love) of KIND bars "Dark chocolate and sea salt" and Madagascar vanilla almond".
Kind bars can be found lots of places but the best selection is in your local Whole Foods Market. You will likely need help finding the KIND bars since Whole Foods carries about 1276 different food-type bars scattered throughout the store. this makes finding KIND bars similar to an organic, grass-fed, easter egg hunt led by an emaciated vegan. Once you have been led to the KIND bar section be sure to ask the vegan which bars are low sugar (he'll know exactly which ones). After your vegan has helped you select the lowest sugar and most plant-based KIND bar he will likely try to sell you a bunch of kale and a Vitamix blender, this is normal, just back away slowly.

My actual emaciated, Whole Foods vegan, Matt*

 The first thing you will notice while standing in line is that KIND bars actually look like things you would eat. Is that an almond in there? Fuck yeah it is! Many protein-food-meal-type bars look like they were extruded from a robot asshole, not KIND bars, they actually resemble food! 

Sure they look like food, how do they taste? Madagascar Vanilla has 4g of sugar, it tastes nutty and mildly sweet, the flavor is subtle and delicious. With only 4 grams of sugar it's a very low sugar snack assuming you don't immediately give in to the urge to shove 5 bars down your food-hole. Low sugar is no excuse to be a disgusting pig-man and it certainly doesn't mean low calorie, you still need self control and moderation, fatty.

Whoever came up with combination of dark chocolate and coarse sea salt should spend the rest of his life being carried on a golden throne and fellated by Mila Kunis. The nice folks over at KIND surely agreed with me when they decided to make the Dark Chocolate Nuts and Sea Salt bar. The DCNaSS has a mere 5g of sugar; how the fuck does this only contain 5 grams of sugar? This bar is off the chain! If I had to choose to save a bag of these bars or a bag of Puppies from sinking in a river I would end up with a full tummy and an empty sack. To quote "Flamin" Moe Szyslak "it's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited" I tried DCNaSS flavor with apprehension because I thought it may be too sweet, boy was I wrong, like a monkey petting a kitty, it's just right.

Dark nuts? Yes please!

Could I eat these 2 flavors every day? Maybe I would eventually get bored, just like I'll eventually get bored of XBOX, beer and hand jobs, maybe. So what happens when I do get bored of my two flavors? I recently spoke to a KIND Bar sales rep (let's call him Chad since I forgot his name) and Chaz told me that there are four new low sugar flavors coming out in 2014, Thanks Chet! 
KIND bars: taste phenomenal, low sugar, gluten free (if you give a shit) and it's made with ingredients you can pronounce; eat them and be judgmental about other people's food choices!

*Matt enjoys a plant based diet, riding bicycles faster than me, and multi-hour tantric sex sessions.

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