Wednesday, February 26, 2014

The NFL: Not just for fat, drunk, biggots anymore


This guy could beat the shit out of Jack Burkman

I'm not gay but, I did go to a liberal arts college in New Mexico.
Recently, college football star Michael Sam has gotten super famous for being a half-decent football player and a world class homo. I couldn't have cared less about the NFL or the gayness of it's newest player until: DC Lobbyist Jack Burkman decided to be a GIANT ASSHOLE by drafting a bill to ban gay players in the NFL. While I still don't really care about professional football, I do care about calling out assholes.
Burkman said in a statement.”We are losing our decency as a nation, imagine your son being forced to shower with a gay man." Ewww gross! I want my sons forced to shower with a room full of naked straight dudes, NOT some FAGGOT! Burkman went on to say that football is about heterosexual men in tight pants, grabbing each other and wrestling one another to the ground, eventually ending up in writhing pile of pent up aggression, nothing gay about it. 

I'm not gay but, bus stations in North Philadelphia are scary at night when you're all alone. 
Jack "Pinky" Burkman even went as far as to say “If the NFL has no morals and no values, then Congress must find values for it".  Burkman apparently could  have used a little help finding his values in June of 2006 when he tried to pay young girls for sex. The exposure eventually led to evidence that Burkman had been seeing prostitutes when his number appeared in the DC Madam's phone records. What a fuckin' hypocrite! I could almost overlook his lack of morals if he wasn't such a judgmental bag of dicks. To his credit Burkman was having illegal sex with women, at least he's no queer. 

Now I'm not gay but, I have been accused of putting on chapstick pretty suggestively.
I think that rather than the NFL ignoring 1 openly gay player and the (statistically speaking) 84 gay players in the closet, the Nation Football League needs to embrace its diversity.  I'm not gay but, I do like French Techno and artisan cheese. Maybe the NFL needs to reconsider it's commercials, I look forward to seeing half-time commercials selling Brie cheese with Daft Punk Playing in the background. Toast up the baguette, Saint AndrĂ©® will help you "Get Lucky". Or maybe start selling more commercial time to IKEA, Coca-Cola and The GAP that have actual gay commercials instead of vaguely homoerotic Miller 64 commercials.

I'm not gay but, 20 bucks is 20 bucks, and no one likes to pay for drinks. 
Maybe what the NFL really needs to do is change the way it goes through it's recruiting process. Have you seen gay dudes recently? Every gay man I know spends 20 hours a week in the gym and looks like they are cut out of solid fucking GRANITE! The NFL should have permanent recruiting centers in San Francisco and Rehoboth Beach. People used to call gay dudes "sissy" and "limp-wrist" now it's 2014 and gay men look like you could smash a chair over their backs like pro wrestlers. Gay men used to be adorable, now they are all terrifying and muscly. Now imagine 11 massive dudes (with perfect skin) sprinting down field ready to crush one teeny tiny wide receiver.

In the gay community this is what is known as a "smallish Man"

I'm not gay but, I do shop at Lowes for my home and garden supplies. 
The NFL should also remember that when there are 2 men with careers and no kids, they have tons of extra cash to spend on stuff that I could only dream of. 
          "Honey could we use a third 68 inch TV for our penthouse apartment?"
          "Sure, it will go with our imported mahogany bedroom set." 
That's sooo gay. 
Apparently the gays are too busy acquiring mutual funds and getting totally ripped to worry about lacking values. I still don't care about the NFL but I do know that the catering will be way better at a gay Super Bowl party, so pass the Chilean wine and tapas I'M READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!!!

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