A Canyon between you and me: how D2C is missing the mark

Direct to consumer sales (D2C) have been a sore spot for bike shops for years. I wrote about it almost a decade ago and I have only gotten more correct. In 2016 shops were complaining about people buying parts online at lower than wholesale prices. Now bike shops have to compete with companies selling entire bikes. Bikes range from the slightly better than garbage at BIKESDIRECT to the deceptively nice looking bikes from Canyon. The big bike companies are in on the action too, brands like Specialized and Trek who both at one time pinky-promised to never sell direct, are shipping bikes to customers houses. A decade ago 1 in 5 people didn't even own a smartphone, now people are using them to buy $10,000 bikes.

Ok so it's 2026 and everyone is selling direct, why haven't all the bike shops disappeared? It has never been easier to buy a bike while you are super high and watching cartoons. Why hasn't the convenience of shopping in your underpants made local shops extinct? Local bike shops still exist because most D2C bike brands are doing a bad job selling you bikes. Shopping has evolved, spending habits have changed, but brands are still trying to sell you bikes the same way they did 10 years ago. 

Here's how the playbook generally goes

Get photos of thin-hipped Europeans riding bicycles in the mountains (preferably on a hairpin) > Write copy with words that elicit a sense of longing for the carefree days of youth > Include numbers showing how this model is better than that other bike > PROFIT!

*Now with the added ADD TO CART button and a "size guide" if you are lucky

I found this image in less than 17 seconds

This tactic works on folks who decided they want to buy the bike before visiting the website, or after the third pretty picture. If this tactic worked on even ten percent of bike buyers shops would close en masse, but that's not happening. Online bike sales only really work for high end bikes if there is enough demand and you absolutely cannot buy that bike in a store. You'll buy a kids bike online because in less than two years Braxtyn will grow out of it and you know he's not making the pro peloton anyway. You might even buy an e-bike for yourself or your partner because it doesn't matter if it fits when you have a throttle. But high end bikes? You may look at the pretty pictures in bed alone but you still want someone to tell you that it's a good purchase.

The new addition of ai to everything hasn't helped sell bikes either. Let's face it Ai mostly sucks.          Ai feels artificial and has yet to really be "intelligent" all while killing the planet. Ai is basically a glorified data scrape designed to look like new, relevant information, given to you by someone you wouldn't like if they were a real person. 

The Tarmac SL3 is just won the tour de France

So what is the path forward?

Bike companies should embrace the fact that no one can see behind the curtain. Instead of having fully built bikes in boxes, they can keep inventory separate and unbuilt. This allows touchpoint customization. Handlebars, stems seatposts and crank arms all able to be selected by the rider. Companies could also take customization a step further and allow semi custom paint in approved designs and colors. There are two large companies that have moved this direction: Orbea and Quintana Roo. They aren't offering every option in every model but I appreciate that they are evolving the business model. The "discount" from a brand like Canyon is almost insulting if you have to buy a $900 handlebar and spend another $200 to have it installed.  Trek also offers a semi custom option but only if you are willing to spend $9,900 and even then the options are limited. 

Bike brands also need to embrace bike shops, not just the shops that sell their brand but the idea of "local bike shop" more broadly. What if I have a shop that I love but, I want a bike they don't carry? I should be able to have a bike shipped to almost any shop I want for assembly and that shop should be able to submit a work order ticket for a reimbursement check. The shop could happily charge for a pre purchase fitting, get compensated for the build and sell the accessories and kit. The loyal customer is happy, the shop is making money and the cost to the brand is very small. 

Lastly: Warranties should be transferrable and shorter. I propose a five year warranty that can be transferred within a 5 year period for the frame and fork. Used bikes lose a significant amount of value in part because they lack a warranty, but what if used bikes didn't lose so much value? The vector of price between new and used would be smaller and selling new bikes for full MSRP would be easier.  Limited time warranties streamline claims because anyone who needs a frame warranty will be easier to handle and anyone who doesn't qualify will be easier to dismiss. Warranty claims are a place where D2C brands can win by being prepared to deal with brick and mortar shops. If Canyon is willing to process a claim and send a frame to any shop, the rider is more likely to buy a Canyon. No more rider hesitation (and yes guilt) because you didn't buy from "your" bike shop.

Offering a "lifetime" warranty is kind of a scam anyway, It sounds good and sells bikes but the goal from the company is always to avoid replacing bikes. Bike frames come out of a mold, and each of the sizes come out of the same mold, so frame defects are statistically rare. Failures that occur after 5 years would fall into two categories: Shimano crank type failures, which impact the entire product family or environmental failures, which are not defects. 

"OH no did you ride your bike on a trainer? Sorry, you should have purchased a dedicated trainer bike, your new $5000 frame is garbage" -Some guy at Trek probably

It's 2026 and the big scary future of retail is already here, customers are already shopping on their phones while they have 3 other screens open. People care more about what you can do for their future than what you achieved in the past. Hopefully bike brands can evolve to best suit the needs of riders while still supporting independent shops before ai becomes sentient and the Terminator robots force us all to work in the lithium mines. Also if any large bike companies want to hire me to consult, I accept payment in Bitcoin, we are living in the future after all. 

-Isaac

(written in my underpants, high as a kite)

Retail is for the dogs. Bark bark, motherfucker!

ALSO Written 2019 (unpublished)

It's the end of retail as we know it

If you look around the main streets of America you may notice that small businesses are vanishing. Locally owned stores are being replaced by national brands, discount superstores, or just empty space. What used to be an overpriced cutesy shop filled knick-knacks is now an overpriced chain with the same bland bullshit you can find 2.9 miles away. Plastic factory stores filled with polyester polos and teenagers named Chase or Braxtyn. This shift in retail is not limited to any one area but I'll focus on Bicycles because that's the area that I know anything about.

Bike shops as most people think of them are dying, the smaller stores where you see 100 bikes on the wall are being replaced by corporate stores where you see 200 bikes on the wall. They have the newest shiniest trek or giant thing because some jerk regional manager told them they needed to bring it in, All because his jerk national manager needed to hit a quota.

 Gosh, Dave you had a .0285 percent increase in saddle bags, you get a bonus this quarter! We need better units per transaction if you're going to be hitting that yearly bonus though. 

Fuck you Dave, and fuck you Dave's boss

The problem is that bike companies got tired of making good products and hoping independent shops would want to buy them. It's way easier to open a corporate store and force the store manager to carry a glut of inventory then, let that manager bear the burden of selling a bunch of mediocre shit at a margin that would kill any independent shop. The company still gets to claim that this is a brilliant business strategy and look surprised that the bicycle stores that were invested in their brand end up under water at the end of the model year. "we are having a great year and selling a jillion FX 7.3s, you must be running a bad business if you are struggling."

Not all bike shops

The other thing that is replacing traditional shops is what I will refer to as service studios. A service studio may not have a single bike for sale. Studios may only do tune ups or fitting or even have a cafe with overpriced single origin coffee for MAAP clad twats to sip on and discuss tasting notes, mmm leather and apricot. 

Studios usually offer a passionate staff with tattoos and skinny jeans that ride steel bikes and listen to Joy Division on vinyl. Replacing the corporate embroidered polo with ripped jeans and a band tee shirt gives it a feel of authenticity, even if neither store has an employee that knows a crown race from press fit 86.5 dub bottom bracket. Studios with bikes will usually have boutique brands that you have never heard of made by hand in a country you will never visit. 

So there are your options

You can either pay a bunch of money at a corporate store for a bike made in southeast Asia by children or, you can pay a bunch of money at a boutique run by Renaissance faire escapees importing artisan bicycles from a former Soviet Bloc country you cannot pronounce.

Is a hotdog a sandwich? It doesn't matter if you eat it without using your hands.

I wrote this in 2019 (never published) and it is still accurate

The world is stupid fucking crazy

Well it is almost the year 2020 and our post apocalyptic hellscape  has turned out to be boring  and tedious instead of the glitz and laser beams I had been expecting. As a human race we are searching for fossils on Mars, but U.S. Senators still don't know how pregnancy works. Our government is being run by early 90's style comic book villains like Roger Stone and Stephen Miller, who want to put mind control serum in Gotham's reservoir and kill all the Jews respectively.
Roger Stone looks like what would happen if you gave the monopoly guy a bunch of bad acid and then had a gang of MS-13 gang members kill his parents in front of him, then gave him a million dollars.
Roger Stone has an actual tattoo of Richard Milhous [fucking] NIXON on his back. I feel bad for whomever draws the short straw and has to rape Roger in prison.  Richard Nixon is literally one of the things I think about when I'm trying not to cum (sorry grandma).
This blog used to be funny, but now it's just real actual things without any extra emphasis and somehow is wackier. I dare you to google "roger stone joker"

This photo is not a joke! this is a real fucking photo. really! fucking REALLY!

Stephen Miller on the other hand doesn't look quite so cartoonish, sure he hates immigrants, and the Jews, and black people, and hair plugs, but he mostly just looks like someone you would find at a cross burning. Stevie looks like someone you can take home for Thanksgiving to meet your racist grampy. Miller almost passes for normal, except for the cold dead eyes of someone who catches neighborhood cats and mutilates their penises. 

Speaking of mutilated genitals, in a crazy post apocalyptic twist, somehow Fizik has managed to create a saddle that doesn't make me feel like I'm sitting on the wrong end of a carving knife.

The Italians have seemingly decided that they are not going to take over the world by making everyone impotent and created a delightful crotch-piece called the Argo Vento. This saddle is named after the Ben Affleck movie Argo, but unlike the movie, I can sit through it for a full 120 minutes. Actually Fizik has dropped the whole "what is your Italian spirit animal?" to determine saddle shape. Fizik is now using a different system called "guessing", which I prefer because it forces you to consult a professional bike fitter instead of just pretending you can touch your toes because the "snake" saddle looks cool.  

"But the internet has apps for saddle fitting now"

Thanks jerkoff, here's why that's wrong.

EVERYONE ON THE INTERNET IS TRYING TO YOU SELL SHIT

The internet is great for cat memes and getting catfished, but trying to find the right saddle can be difficult. The search results for "comfortable bike seat" range from saddles i actually recommend to this atrocity.

Time to take up bowling

Yes the spiderflex saddle is hideous. At least they did attempt to associate some research with it, and it is endorsed by a former pro cyclist with erectile dysfunction (which was more likely caused by heavy doping than a bad saddle) It also manages to somehow not be the worst saddle I've ever seen.

Change is hard and so am I

The Internet is a sore subject for US bike shops, look in any bike industry online forum and the complaints are the same:
"Competitive cyclist is killing my margin"
"Probikekit.com is selling Shimano for less than wholesale cost"
"Jeff Bezos just had sex with my girlfriend"
It would seem that the Internet is only really good for getting a sweet deal or bitching about customers going elsewhere for sweet deals, something has to change.
Change is scary, just ask the CEO of Circuit City

If you are an bike industry lifer, chances are you don't want to change. "Why should I change, I'm perfect!" If you really were perfect you wouldn't be worried about the Internet and would have stopped reading after the Bezos joke, since you are still here I'll let you in on a secret:

The industry doesn't care about you, the industry cares about profit.

Since we are being honest with each other let's admit that you don't really care about the bike industry either, you ALSO care about profit. You don't don't actually care if big bike companies go under or other bike shops fail.  Bike retailers are reliant on manufacturers determining and enforcing prices desperately hoping that MAP + Installation fees will put food on the table. It is easy to focus on the microcosm of staying afloat but what needs to happen is evolution not mere survival.

Change is Scary just ask any former manager from Borders Book Store

Your bike shop is competing with the Internet but, your bike producer is competing with the Internet too and you should be prepared for a change.  Canyon Bicycles are coming to the US market in 2017 and they cost the end consumer less than any other major brand by eliminating the storefront. Trek, Specialized, Cannondale and Giant will need to fight back by lowering MSRP while maintaining wholesale cost, killing your margin. Be prepared for ALL 4 major bike brands to implement online sales in the next three years. While you're at it, be prepared for customers to be able to buy anything online in less than a decade. 

How can bike shops compete with Amazon? Start by Price matching.

PRICE MATCH AMAZON?!?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

 Amazon assembly service charges $150 for the same Raleigh single speed cruiser that you can get pre-assembled in a bike shop. Amazon assembly is often performed by untrained assholes more adept at setting up Frigidaire than front derailleur. Amazon won't even inflate your damn tires! Inflating bicycle tires is not included in this service. Some pros may be able to inflate tires for an additional fee.  If bike shops began charging for bike assembly  then the shop owners can control pricing instead of the manufacturer, you could even inflate tires for free, because you are such a nice guy. Professional assembly is required by each of the big 4 manufacturers but the dealer agreement can be changed at any time and shops should be prepared. Start the new year by adding $150 build fee to each bike sold then, give a $150 discount, it's the same price you are charging now but, by giving the labor a monetary value you can more easily transition to a business model that charges for builds in the future.

An average shop builds between 400 and 800 bikes a year; consider the margin if you added $150 of labor to each of those bikes, what would an extra 60k-120k of cash do to your net profit?

Of course you can't price match everything on the Internet.  An article about Bike-tube.net selling  tubes for $4.29 caused minor uproar among industry folk and, Amazon sells 10 packs of tubes for $35 with free Prime shipping, that's darn near wholesale! Even Performance Bike sells tubes for approximately 5.25 apiece when you buy 4. People can buy tubes online or even down the street for less and, finding tubes for 70% less than your price makes you look like you are price gouging, regardless of MSRP. Stop fighting your way to the bottom of the tube price war, change.

Change is scary just ask anyone who ever worked at Blockbuster Video.

Stop selling tubes, start selling flat repair.

Sell flat repair for $30 with a 30 day guarantee and no mention of the tube pricing. Some people may get a few extra tubes out of you but, most people aren't trying to scam you and don't want to be bothered with return trips to the shop, they just want piece of mind. This guarantee goes both ways, it guarantees that customers will come back if something is wrong. If you miss a thorn while fixing a flat your customer will be upset that the flat you just fixed is flat again, if you are lucky that upset customer will come back and you will fix it again (for free), if you aren't lucky, they will go to another shop down the street.

I am basing flat repair pricing on my Fiance's perception of value. My fiance is a brilliant law student, she shops online for sales and even has an app called Honey that searches for discounts codes on ANY website when you get to the payment screen, but she is not a bike industry person. When asked how much she would pay for a flat repair her answer is "I dunno, fifty bucks?". She reminds me that most of our customers are NOT industry people or even people that have any preconceived notions of what things should cost.

Your customers may never understand the difference between a $400 bike and a $300 bike with a $100 build fee but, our focus should be on keeping them engaged in the bike shop experience not trying to fight the way they want to shop, or the multi-billion dollar companies that don't really care about you. The time to change is now. 

Change is Scary just ask the dinosaurs.

Former drug addict Rush Limbaugh is still a big fat idiot

Rush Limbaugh has no business lecturing anybody about fitness.

Rush Limbaugh is known for several things: wildly conservative political views, an addiction to prescription pain killers and laughably small genitals. One thing that rush Limbaugh has never been known for is fitness, of any kind, even during wartime.  Sure he has been seen golfing but he usually lets "the colored boy" carry his clubs. Sure he lost a bunch of weight when he was on drugs, but that's only because it is super hard to eat a whole cheesecake when you are high on Vicodin and Oxycontin (I'm sure he tried). Rush's working knowledge of  health seems a bit lacking.

In the background you can see the caddy who Rush jokingly calls "Kunta Kinte"

Here is a DIRECT quote from his own website 

 Now, as you people know, I play it safe.  Whenever I get the urge to exercise, I lie down on the sofa, on the floor, on my back, until the feeling goes away.  And I must confess, I don't get the urge much.  

The last time Rush had an elevated heartbeat and a sweaty brow he was waiting to be acquitted of sexual assault charges. 

As a rich white guy, I assume Rush can talk confidently about mutual funds, the Buick LeSabre and oppressing minorities but, his lack of experience with exercise is exactly what makes his opinions of bicycling, and who should be cycling, totally worthless.

Who cares about the opinions of a big, fat, idiot like Rush Limbaugh? Rush Limbaugh does.

Last week former Vietnam vet and current Secretary of State John Kerry crashed his bicycle on a mountain in France and broke his leg. Most people were concerned for his safety, Kerry was airlifted to a hospital in Geneva Switzerland and then later flown back to Massachusetts General Hospital where he saw the doctor that performed both of his hip replacements.

But Rush Limbaugh is not most people, he's a colossal dick. Rush heard the news, put down a giant bowl of pudding, and took the opportunity to talk shit, saying that 71 year old John Kerry was too old to ride a "stupid bike".

FUCK YOU, HE WAS CLIMBING A MOUNTAIN!

John Kerry has been riding bicycles for years, he wasn't just doing it in France for a photo-op as Rush assumed. This was actually the second time this year Kerry had ridden in the French Alps. Being Secretary of State means you have to fly your ass all over the damn globe; Kerry has been to 62 countries in the last two years and has ridden his bike in most of them. Rush Limbaugh can only name 39 states and he hasn't ridden a bicycle in ANY of them. 

Here's Kerry riding his custom Serotta. If I were Sec of State I would be running Di2 instead of old 7800 Dura-Ace.

Rush Limbaugh is a coward.

I usually disagree with Rush Limbaugh for political reasons or the fact that he is probably a rapist but this time I disagree with him based on manliness. Rush thought what (purple heart awarded) Kerry did was stupid and unsafe, even though his "peloton" included paramedics and a physician and security guards. Do you know what that means? It means Kerry was in less danger than your average cyclist on the bike path in Philadelphia or elementary school child in Texas.  Meanwhile in Russia, Vladimir Putin is punching bears to death in unregulated underground cage fights. 

Hey Rush: stop trying to make the USA look weak in front of the Russians, or the Iranians, or the terrorists, or the fuckin French!

Ok, not exactly 1080p but it was the best picture I could smuggle out of the country.

Tough Guy 2.0
John Kerry is not John Wayne or Charles Bronson, he wasn't riding a bull and shooting pistols in the air, the US may never get back our 1950s level of perceived toughness but, having a Secretary of State that climbs mountains, plays ice hockey and windsurfs sure helps.  During the helicopter ride to the hospital in Geneva Kerry was overheard saying "how about you let me fly this bird around a little bit" and was visibly peeved when he was told that it wasn't safe.

Having a Secretary of State that rides bikes in foreign countries instead of looking like a manatee in a suit helps America not look like a bunch of fat worthless slobs.

Heal up soon John Kerry, we need more politicians that aren't afraid to throw on some spandex and go kick some ass in Europe.

The NFL: Not just for fat, drunk, biggots anymore

This guy could beat the shit out of Jack Burkman

I'm not gay but, I did go to a liberal arts college in New Mexico.

Recently, college football star Michael Sam has gotten super famous for being a half-decent football player and a world class homo. I couldn't have cared less about the NFL or the gayness of it's newest player until: DC Lobbyist Jack Burkman decided to be a GIANT ASSHOLE by drafting a bill to ban gay players in the NFL. While I still don't really care about professional football, I do care about calling out assholes.

Burkman said in a statement. ”We are losing our decency as a nation, imagine your son being forced to shower with a gay man." Ewww gross! I want my sons forced to shower with a room full of naked straight dudes, NOT some FAGGOT! Burkman went on to say that football is about heterosexual men in tight pants, grabbing each other and wrestling one another to the ground, eventually ending up in writhing pile of pent up aggression, nothing gay about it. 

I'm not gay but, bus stations in North Philadelphia are scary at night when you're all alone. 

Jack "Pinky" Burkman even went as far as to say “If the NFL has no morals and no values, then Congress must find values for it".  Burkman apparently could  have used a little help finding his values in June of 2006 when he tried to pay young girls for sex. The exposure eventually led to evidence that Burkman had been seeing prostitutes when his number appeared in the DC Madam's phone records. What a fuckin' hypocrite! I could almost overlook his lack of morals if he wasn't such a judgmental bag of dicks. To his credit Burkman was having illegal sex with women, at least he's no queer. 

Now I'm not gay but, I have been accused of putting on chapstick pretty suggestively.

I think that rather than the NFL ignoring 1 openly gay player and the (statistically speaking) 84 gay players in the closet, the Nation Football League needs to embrace its diversity.  I'm not gay but, I do like French Techno and artisan cheese. Maybe the NFL needs to reconsider it's commercials, I look forward to seeing half-time commercials selling Brie cheese with Daft Punk Playing in the background. Toast up the baguette, Saint André^® will help you "Get Lucky". Or maybe start selling more commercial time to IKEA, Coca-Cola and The GAP that have actual gay commercials instead of vaguely homoerotic Miller 64 commercials.

I'm not gay but, 20 bucks is 20 bucks, and no one likes to pay for drinks. 

Maybe what the NFL really needs to do is change the way it goes through it's recruiting process. Have you seen gay dudes recently? Every gay man I know spends 20 hours a week in the gym and looks like they are cut out of solid fucking GRANITE! The NFL should have permanent recruiting centers in San Francisco and Rehoboth Beach. People used to call gay dudes "sissy" and "limp-wrist" now it's 2014 and gay men look like you could smash a chair over their backs like pro wrestlers. Gay men used to be adorable, now they are all terrifying and muscley. Now imagine 11 massive dudes (with perfect skin) sprinting down field ready to crush one teeny tiny wide receiver.

In the gay community this is what is known as a "smallish Man"

I'm not gay but, I do shop at Lowes for my home and garden supplies. 

The NFL should also remember that when there are 2 men with careers and no kids, they have tons of extra cash to spend on stuff that I could only dream of. 

          "Honey could we use a third 68 inch TV for our penthouse apartment?"

          "Sure, it will go with our imported mahogany bedroom set." 

That's sooo gay. 

Apparently the gays are too busy acquiring mutual funds and getting totally ripped to worry about lacking values. I still don't care about the NFL but I do know that the catering will be way better at a gay Super Bowl party, so pass the Chilean wine and tapas I'M READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!!!

Sugar: The Original Performance Enhancing Drug

There are people that will tell you that refined, white -ethnically cleansed- cane sugar is poison and you shouldn't eat any. These same sugar-hating fun police will think nothing of losing toenails because they just ran an ultra marathon. I have even been told that "cane sugar is addictive". ADDICTIVE? REALLY??? I've never sucked a dick in an alley near 12th & Walnut for sugar cubes.
Face it, sugar is a miracle of nature and the fact that we can harvest these granulated joy-crystals is proof that (insert deity) wants humans to be happy.

I enjoy sugar but I will admit that I wish things were less sweet. We need to eat sugar in moderation and not just replace it with chemicals that trick our brains into thinking we had sugar.  Artificial sweeteners replace real sugar with what I'm pretty sure is poison and somehow makes stuff more sweet?! FUCK THAT. I'm willing to trade a bucketful of cancerous lab rats for a soda that contains 30% less sugar.  A 30% reduction in sugar would bring a Red Bull down to 18grams per can.  The 65 grams of sugar in a 20oz Coca-Cola literally weigh more than the skewers in my road bike!!! A 30% decrease in that 20oz bottle would still be 45.5 grams (1 1/2 ounce) of sugar which would still be considered a fuckload by the sugar haters and yet still not enough for most 'Muricans.

It is with the dual position of both loving sweet things and wanting more moderation that I review (and state my love) of KIND bars "Dark chocolate and sea salt" and Madagascar vanilla almond".
Kind bars can be found lots of places but the best selection is in your local Whole Foods Market. You will likely need help finding the KIND bars since Whole Foods carries about 1276 different food-type bars scattered throughout the store. this makes finding KIND bars similar to an organic, grass-fed, easter egg hunt led by an emaciated vegan. Once you have been led to the KIND bar section be sure to ask the vegan which bars are low sugar (he'll know exactly which ones). After your vegan has helped you select the lowest sugar and most plant-based KIND bar he will likely try to sell you a bunch of kale and a Vitamix blender, this is normal, just back away slowly.

My actual emaciated, Whole Foods vegan, Matt*

 The first thing you will notice while standing in line is that KIND bars actually look like things you would eat. Is that an almond in there? Fuck yeah it is! Many protein-food-meal-type bars look like they were extruded from a robot asshole, not KIND bars, they actually resemble food! 

Sure they look like food, how do they taste? Madagascar Vanilla has 4g of sugar, it tastes nutty and mildly sweet, the flavor is subtle and delicious. With only 4 grams of sugar it's a very low sugar snack assuming you don't immediately give in to the urge to shove 5 bars down your food-hole. Low sugar is no excuse to be a disgusting pig-man and it certainly doesn't mean low calorie, you still need self control and moderation, fatty.

Whoever came up with combination of dark chocolate and coarse sea salt should spend the rest of his life being carried on a golden throne and fellated by Mila Kunis. The nice folks over at KIND surely agreed with me when they decided to make the Dark Chocolate Nuts and Sea Salt bar. The DCNaSS has a mere 5g of sugar; how the fuck does this only contain 5 grams of sugar? This bar is off the chain! If I had to choose to save a bag of these bars or a bag of Puppies from sinking in a river I would end up with a full tummy and an empty sack. To quote "Flamin" Moe Szyslak "it's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited" I tried DCNaSS flavor with apprehension because I thought it may be too sweet, boy was I wrong, like a monkey petting a kitty, it's just right.

Dark nuts? Yes please!

Could I eat these 2 flavors every day? Maybe I would eventually get bored, just like I'll eventually get bored of XBOX, beer and hand jobs, maybe. So what happens when I do get bored of my two flavors? I recently spoke to a KIND Bar sales rep (let's call him Chad since I forgot his name) and Chaz told me that there are four new low sugar flavors coming out in 2014, Thanks Chet! 

KIND bars: taste phenomenal, low sugar, gluten free (if you give a shit) and it's made with ingredients you can pronounce; eat them and be judgmental about other people's food choices!

*Matt enjoys a plant based diet, riding bicycles faster than me, and multi-hour tantric sex sessions.

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